Tell me if I am wrong

This guy that’s been working hard to charm his way into my heart has suddenly vanished, into thin air literally. Just when I was beginning to enjoy his company and could see the prospects of us ending up together---he took a hike.

To be honest with you, I think I have an idea what drove him away.

You see, if you were born in 1976 like me and still have not found your soul mate, you will understand where I’m coming from. I have tried the dating thing, the challenges are just too much for a big girl like me.

So these days, I do not even waste time. If a guy proposes love to me, I put forward these conditions to him:

1.      If you have a girlfriend, you must break-up with her before we can even start calling each other pet names ...because I am simply too old to be competing for a man’s heart.

2.      Do you love Jesus? If I have a man in my life, I expect him to come to church with me, or take me to your own church. I’m tired of envying couples that pray together.

3.      I’m a storyteller, so my phone conversations are rarely shorter than 10 minutes...I hope you have worked hard enough to afford airtime to call me.

4.       Do you love life?

a.       I’m spontaneous. I can decide on a Friday that I’m going to Kuruman for the weekend...will this be a problem to you?

b.      Once a while I must be served. I love restaurants...did you get that right? Restaurants, not KFC or Champs.

5.      I have 4 children depending on me and I treat all of them like my own. So if you decide to surprise me with pizza, one box is just not enough for all of us.

6.      I may be a  fatty boom boom, I like man more if he tries to avoid a potbelly. I have mine because I gave birth twice. Wena? What did you give birth too?

7.      Do you read? I spend more money on books than underwear. So I hope you have books I can borrow.

8.      Do you take interest in what’s happening around you? `Cos when I watch the Weakest Link with you, I expect to be impressed by your general knowledge.

9.      You do understand that even a woman my age is Facebook/Twitter connected. Promise me you won’t think I’m childish.

10.  Do you have a house of your own, because my house is my children’s home. I don’t have any intension of having you as an extra in our household. I can’t have my little one asking if uBhuti uChulumanco will be sleeping over again tonight...creepy!

11.  I hope you are quick witted....because I will be disappointed if you think that Mafa and Putco are not funny. You are not a hater moss neh....so you do understand why I like tuning in on uMhlobo wenene between 15:00-18:00 weekdays...to listen to KC of course.

12.  I hang out more with guys than girls. Don’t expect my boys to suddenly vanish because you have arrived!

13.  Are you a traditionalist?

a.      Because you see, I’m a chosen child of the ancestors...so from time to time, I slaughter goats and all.

b.      And ohh yeah...some weekends are not good for me because I attend izintlombe.

c.       Sometimes I wake up at night and I must talk to my ancestors...I hope you won’t think I’m weird!

14.  Lastly...for now at least...(My friends will laugh at this)

a.      I can be a cry baby...it will help if you have a pet name that only you call me by to soothe me.

b.      A kiss is usually good enough to calm me down...I hope you have a strict oral hygiene routine!

When my guy friends read my list...they advised that I should expect to cuddle a pillow all nights...till death!

Pheeuww...may be I must revise the damn list

A snippet into my new lifestyle as an Initiate

For ease of reading, I have tried to provide definitions for difficult Xhosa Vocabulary (bold and underlined) at the bottom of the article

As I woke up this morning, icamagu that I keep upright next to my bed fell and sent a painstaking reminder to my conscience that it has been a while since I did my prayer ritual of ukunqula. I felt a bit of guilt but hurriedly climbed off the bed as I was already late for work.

Again as I opened the tap for my morning bath, I wondered if I should be brave and pour the uMradeni mix. These herbs are supposed to help revive my intuitive abilities, to help me if I will have to do ukuvumisa.  The problem is, the herbs give an itchy effect when mixed with water and poured over the skin. The itchiness is barely bearable and takes at least 20 minutes to go away. So I decide that I am not feeling that brave this morning and am rather late for work and will not have time to nurse an itch. So I carried on with my bath routine and left the house.

As I sat down on my desk, I then remembered that I forgot to wear my neck icamagu. It is a blue and white beaded necklace. I felt a bit of guilt, but easily dismissed this because I did discuss with uMama that it will rather be very awkward for me to wear my beads in the office as some of the people I deal with can be very judgemental. I work as a Development Consultant. I deal with government officials, architects, engineers, funders, etc. I may be very close to closing a deal and only to find that the final signature will come from a guy that is a born-again Christian---that deal is gone if they judge you based on the beads hanging on your neck!

As I navigate through the day, enjoying my work, I am again reminded that today is a Thursday. UMama and my fellow abahlekazi are on their way to a village called Mxumbu in Middledrift. They will be joining uMama’s sister in training (igqirha that qualified with her) as she will be conducting the imvumakufa ritual for her initiate (her name is Nocebisa). They have to arrive at the initiate’s homestead today so that they can be welcomed and introduced to Nocebisa’s ancestors. The ancestors have to recognise that amagqirha have arrived through intlombe. You cannot believe how lucky I feel that I have a job and therefore exempt from attending the Thursday intlombe.

I am not totally free though, tomorrow (Friday), I will be joining them and only come back on Sunday. When I leave work tomorrow, my suitcase will be waiting for me, with all my gqirha regalia (izishweshwe,  nemibhaco and white towels) and beads. I will take off-my Eurocentric clothes and get into my gqirha dewish....isishweshwe, white top, white towel to wrap around my waist, a white nappy towel to wrap around my head. To top it all, white clay on my face, arms and legs and my blue and white beads on neck, wrists and ankles.

Pheeuuw, there you go....no rest in the life of UMhlekazi!

Come back again, there will be more to tell tomorrow.

Icamagu: the stick that you carry around for protection from evil. It also helps guide your spirit through your consultations (ukuvumisa). Mine is made out of the Matshinitshini and UMnquma trees. It has blue and white beading detail on it. The white beads symbolise that you are a ‘white’ person (ungumntu omhlophe). The blue symbolises that you have done imvumakufa, a ritual that sees you signing a pact with your ancestors by eating intsonyama of a goat.

Intsonyama: meat found under the left fore-leg of a goat.

Ukunqula: a prayer session where you call upon your ancestors (paternal and maternal, including those of both your grandmothers), telling them all that you need.
Ukuvumisa: A consultation process of checking what is troubling your client. A Xhosa igrirha does not throw bones, but rather uses ukunqula and intuition.
UMradeni: the herb that is made of onion-like bulbs. It is used to ward off evil spirits, whilst reviving your intuition (umbilini) as uMkhwetha. It gives a very itchy (very itchy) effect when poured over the skin.
Umbilini: the effect of intutition/instinct/hunch/sixth sense that uMkhwetha experiences throughout training.
UMama: The trainer of umKhwetha is called uMama (if it is a woman)
Abahlekazi: Fellow initiates that you are in training with
Intlombe: A dance routine where amagqirha nabahlekazi dance to a trance. During the dancing, they call their ancestors and those of the homestead visited through a process of ukuNqula (calling clan names). At 12 midnight, a Christian prayer is done to invite God almighty to be with the family and ward off all evil.
Isishweshwe: German print clothing, comes in blue or brown.
Umbhaco: White or cream hard cloth used in Xhosa traditional regalia

When my ancestors called me, I was driving a German car!

It has been a while since I had the inspiration to put any of my thoughts down. My blog has suffered a huge blow as a result. Blogging had become such an enjoyable activity for me I would look forward to hearing what my friends had to say about my posts. Yes, I have mostly friends who are either technologicaly challenged or technolologicaly lazy....instead of being a follower and comment on the blog itself, they will rather call you. But that's not where we are today: I want to tell you why I suddenly vanished and stayed away from blogging and social networks!

My last posts relate how I felt I had to leave Jozi and come to Alice.

At the beginning of it all, it was exciting and quite surreal to explain to everyone that cared to listen my sudden change of town of choice. I could see my friends and family trying to grasp my theory of how my life was changing for the better. Afterall, I was the girl that had had it all; but suddenly I had nothing.

I had had the house in Joburg, with the correct address nogal! No, from the beginning, I never experimented with any of Jozi's buzzy townships as residence. My first address was No. 6 Rhone Crescent, Fairfield. Baaabbby....this is one of the flashiest suburbs in the leafy North of Jozi! From there North Riding and Olivedale followed. I was not stepping down the ladder, but rather up, as I moved around the northern Suburbs!

At one point, I was the only African in a cul de sac crescent. I owned a dog, a labrador and his name was Smirnoff. Yes, dear...I was the type that walks their dog in the afternoon! I was the envy of some of my White dog owners....damnnnn....Smirnoff was a beauty! Included in my monthly budget was the cost of paying the mobile dog grooming parlour. You don't believe me, I know, but Smirnoff had regular manicures and pedicures...Lol!

Let's get to the part of the story you want to hear! When my ancestors called me to answer the calling to become igqirha, I was driving a German car! The point is, I had to loose it all to realise I had the calling!

This is what happened....

1. Debt pile up
After my divorce in 2009, I rejoiced, expecting for my livelihood to change for the better as I had gotten rid of the 'bad'man. Little did I know that, it was only the beginning of bad luck after tough luck! Bills started piling up as I had to start paying debt that hubby dearest left behind for me to take care of. He had been unemployed and had no intention to get any employment, so I hurried with the divorce, even agreeing to take on his debt. Pheeuuww....it was an uphill battle!

2. House sold
To sort out the debt that was piling up, I sold the house that I loved so much! You see, I am a problem solver by nature. The best way for me to come out of a bad situation is to 'make a decision'. So I made a decision! Rather than risking my children's comfortable private education lifestyle, a house downgrade was necessary! So I sold the house and moved to a 3 bedroom cluster house in Olivedale.

3. Car issues
 As soon as we moved into the cluster, the German car I've been pestering you about started giving problems! I was either getting bumped or the turbo would stop functioning, but it had become a nightmare to own this car. My poor brother, Xolile, shame...would drive from Sebokeng (West), to bring me a car. We started on a high note! The frist car he gave me was a Toyota Condor. I bumped a White woman's old 16v corolla driving the Condor. He did not give up. Next, he brought me a BMW 318i (G-String). This car was nice, until I started experiencing many technical problems with it. He took it back and brought me an old BMW (Dolphin type). This too was okay, until one day the petrol tank was dripping petrol so bad that I could have burnt in the car. He then brought a Toyota Tazz. This one I messed it up myself. I was texting while driving and hit a neighbour's interkom post (I ran like a thug...they never got to know it was me...LOL). In the end, I was even taking taxies to work! Once we sat down and made a note that in one year alone, I had had more than 10 accidents! This whole experience left me with so much technical knowledge about cars, even my male friends call me for technical advice. I can tell you when it's the gaskette or it's top that is problematic. I can tell you when your radiator is finished. I can tell you when your car is mixing oil and water. Don't get me started, ços I can change my own tyre! I can fix a car's timing....LMAO!

4. Problems at work
Then the employer was now starting to become a problem! I had climbed up the corporate ladder. My salary afforded me my Nortthern Jozi cocktails life. But the cookie started crumbling. The company I worked for, that paid so well, suddenly was skipping months when it came to paying salaries. At one stage we had not been paid for 3 months. The monster was slowly creeping out of the hellhole.  The problem solver in felt pressured to make a decision....it was time to leave Johannesburg and go back home. I thought and justified, "It's better to make a decision freely than be pushed to make it". It took me just one evening to decide. The following morning my letter of resignation was ready. I made calls to book a storage for my belongings. Then I called my mother. She was devastated.

5. The first ancestral message
Ten years earlier, I had bought a house in King William's Town. My Aunt lives in that house. A month after I arrived home, we heard that the house had been visited by an alligator (uXamu). The Xhosa people believe that uXamu is a messenger from the Head-Office (KoMkhulu). It is believed that every clan, is related to a clan of River people. The River people are a superior race than the bantu, and as such, they have telepathic powers beyond imagination. So when uXamu visits a homestead, he must be treated with dignity. Who ever comes across this messenger must call elders to witness, the elders must talk to the messenger and say, ''We have seen you. Tell your superiors that we will go to the wise men (gqirha/sangoma) to get the message that they are sending.'' The messenger will duly leave, without any havoc.

However, my poor Aunt is definitely not in touch with Xhosa tradition and culture. Instead, she called the SPCA. The White men came and fetched the alligator, covered him with blankets and left.

No one went to consult with any gqirha/wisemen. A few months later, my White BMW over-turned near Hogsback, carrying 6 passengers. No one died. No injuries either!

6. The Dreams
I have always been known to dream (dreams that culminate into live events) by my family. However, suddenly my dreams were very specific and regular. Explaining the dreams will need a separate posting altogether. The dreams were however very easy to interprete. It was very clear, my ancestors wanted me to accept the calling and become igqirha. You are born with the gift, not into it. In your mother's womb, already you have been chosen. It is not a choice you make. Your ancestors give you time to mature before they force you to accept the calling.

7. The consultations
The first woman we consulted with had these first words to say, "You want me to consult for another igqira?" Woman, you are a gqirha yourself, you know exactly what is wrong with you!" She related how we had a messenger (uXamu) at my house specifically (not family home). She related how my grandfather was a traditional healer but refused to become igqirha (this we knew to be true). She asked me about my specific dreams (she could not have known, they were only in my head). She asked me if I thought it was normal for anyone to just leave their jobs and go home without being fired (she didn't know this, we did not tell her). She told us about the many car accidents, even mentioning the one that had had happened a week earlier. She said all the suffering, financial and otherwise was for me to take a pause and listen to the calling! Somehow, I knew she was right. I still wanted a second opinion there. Of course, the message was the same!

I'm tired now....depending on when next I get inspired to share my story...I will tell you more about the journey I have chosen to embrace with my whole being!

So yes, even amagqirha do drive Germsan cars...LMAO