LIFE HAPPENS

It is a SHAME! I have not posted on this blog in a very very long while! The last post was in 2013. I know people that created blogs round about the same time and are cashing in on them as we speak. Although I am tempted to explain my absence, if I am to be inspired to keep up with the writing, I would rather not. Let us just summarily acknowledge that ….LIFE HAPPENS! A sincere apology to my 20 followers for the absenteeism. There is so much to share….the happenings of the past four years….I do not know where to start.

Let’s roll with LIFE HAPPENS and see where it will lead us! -----You can’t believe I am looking for emojis to express my current emotion right now. Social media writing is such a spoiler. I have to remind myself that blog writing is expressive, an emoji cannot replace the need to define a definite emotion---- Bear with me, I will get the hang of it as we move right along.

LIFE HAPPENS ----My moemish moments (2009 – 2017)

Dating Moemish NUMBER 1

As a divorcee (2009) , getting back to the dating scene has not been without moemish moments. I remember a time when I was MCeeing at a friend’s lavish wedding reception. It was a beautiful day marked with several glitches that cost me the opportunity to enjoy my very first MC role. On that day I could have concluded that I would never accept a request to MC any event ever in my life again. But as God loves us all, I am happy to share that I have since had many opportunities to master the art of being a Programme Director. That is not where we are though.

The glitches on that evening include the fact that the seating arrangements were not posted on the notice board for guests to know which table to go to. The person that was supposed to be the custodian of the list even so much as denied knowing that she had to fetch the list from the printers….CAN YOU IMAGINE! A wedding sponsored by True Love Magazine Nogal! This very first glitch meant that as the person with the mic had to shout to an audience of about 200 guests announcing table numbers and coming up with some kind of a system to get guests to be seated as quickly as possible. This was a tiresome exercise! Moving from one corner to another, fetching VIP guests (father of the groom, uncle, etc.) to at least have them get the front tables. Imperatively, let me tell you that the pencil heel shoes I was wearing were refusing to bond with the vast cobra oil polished floor. I had to mind my every step! Did I mention the pair of shoes was a stiletto sandal bought brand new from ALDO! I thought comfort would come from the genuine leather, but the heel was just not coping with the weight exerted onto it for such a lengthy period. Perhaps, if it was only the shoe that was a problem, we would be talking a different story.

You see, like most other fuller figured ladies (or may be overweight -----looool, blogging must accept emojis as well), I also collect different kinds of underclothing that are meant to make one look a size or two smaller. On this day I had put on a brand new pair of panties from Woolies….the type that collects your woobly tummy together. I made the mistake of trying to be smart and get a pair that is one size smaller than my usual size. Needless to say, the discomfort I felt throughout the night was too agonising.

I will not dwell on how the day went, I trust that by now we all get the picture. However, at the end of a very long evening, we were invited to the groom’s home, where we were going to have a braai and drinks. Before I left the venue though, as much as I thought my Programme Directing was appalling, there were few nice people that approached to give me a heads up.

We are getting closer to where we are going with this….your patience is much appreciated thus far. I distinctly remember two guys that had sweet little things to say. One of them was going to join us at the braai, the other offered an apology that he would not be able to join us. The gentleman that was not joining us was unfortunately not so pleasing to the eye (think of that guy with colourful shirts on Muvhango….his name escapes me right now). He was friends with the gentleman that would be joining us. Need I say that the mister that would be joining us was indeed a hottie.

I was quite pleased that I was apparently still attractive. Mister Hottie quickly became a promising boo to be, taking care of my needs at the braai. At this point, I was a lot more relaxed…I took the shoes off the moment I got into the car. I was bare footed for the rest of the evening (kudala ngathwasa shame….loooool). The panties together with the one night dress were in the boot. I felt very comfortable in my pair of jeans (people were still dressed to the nines….looooool….did I care?)

My friends envied me for getting Mr Hotty’s attention. Overnight he seemed like one of us. Eventually, we all had to call it a day and go back to our ordinary lives full of Generations and Muvhango. But Mr Hotty did the honourable thing and asked for my number.

Let us fast forward to four days later. Mr Hotty calls and asks what I would be doing Thursday evening. I let him know we would be having a girls’ night out at the Cubana Lounge in Fourways. I was going to be meeting my friends Londeka and Eustacia for sundowners. He politely asked if he could come pop in for a moment. Of course, I needed to brag to my crew that this train was moving faster than I thought. They all had been pestering me about moving on after the divorce.

Mr hotty arrives and quickly spots our table. He comes to greet and politely requests to have a word with me privately. He was not alone though. Remember the not so good looking guy that gave me a heads up at the wedding (let’s call him Muvhango) ….yeah, he was with him. I did not see a need to refuse, so I followed them as they looked for an empty table. Mr Hotty indeed promises my friends a good time (drinks on him) when he comes back. Little did I know that this meant he was going to be introducing me to Muvhango. There is certainly nothing wrong with introductions (no matter how ugly you are, you still deserve to be acknowledged), so I had my best smile trying to look like a nice girl. Mr Hotty then goes on and on about how Muvhango was ataken with me on the first day he saw me…..HHE BANA! Not long after, he left us to get to know each other! I was dismayed! Having presented myself as a very sweet and respectful girl, I could not suddenly change my tune.

I quickly came up with a plan. I was going to send a text message to my baby’s nanny to call me so I could pretend there was suddenly an emergency at home. I wrote the message, only saying “Please call me”. My phone rang. I picked up and went on to act hysterically. I quickly apologised to Muvhango and went to my friends to tell them I had to rush home. I was confused though as to why they seemed they were about to burst out laughing. But this was an emergency, reading people’s faces was not really a top priority. I left the scene.

As I approached the parking Londeka calls to tell me I had been busted. The text I thought went to the nanny went to Mr Hotty. I answered the call without checking who it was and he never said a word. They told me to come back because Muvhango had decided to leave. Shame….apparently the poor guy bought the act!

Mr Hotty was still there with my friends….as I entered the lounge, I was stunned to see him still at the table with my friends. However, the way he was laughing made me realise he was not so upset with me. He just could not get over the extent to which I went just to get away from Muvhango.

We remained good friends with Mr Hotty for a good while….what with him being a nice guy always taking care of the GIRLS.

Yeah….there you have it Dating Moemish NUMBER 1.

The chronicles of a new Sangoma: the light and blonde moments

Eish....I've been pondering on this topic and wondering if I should put it out there. You see, whilst I am naturally a storyteller and as my friends would bluntly put it "wakhatywa lihhashi esifubeni", which when loosely translated means I am a person of very few secrets...the reality is there are many things about ubungoma/gqirha that one is not allowed to share loosely with common people---yes, people like you - abangathwasanga. On the same breadth though, it is quite tempting to share some of the blonde moments in the quest to open your eyes that ours is not a life where one can take things for granted.

Let me take a chance and see if I will be punished for letting you in.

The following are just some of the moments where I have felt fed-up with it all, only to laugh at myself later on:

1. Sleeping endumbeni

There are times when you want to be close to aakhehla akho and the best thing to do during those tims is to sleep endumbeni. But there are rules to be observed endumbeni at all times. In fact, the reason for the post is an experience I had at the wee hours of this morning.

Before I went to bed i was feeling really cold and needed something to quickyly warm me up, so I took a cup of coffee to endumbeni to sleep. When I finished the coffee, I had a really bad headache and drank half a jug of water. I dosed off. At exactly 3:00 am, I somehow woke up.

Damn, I needed to take a pee really badly. Then I remembered I would have to go outside to pee---you can't exactly pee emsamo! I panicked as I remembered that OMG, 3 am is known to be the time witches when witches are roaming around doing their thing. This is also the time known to be for zombies (izithunzela/imikhovu). Even ghosts are roaming freely at this hour!  "What am I to do?" I was panicking, like SERIOUSLY! "I have to be strong", I told myself. I went ahead and opened the door. I did not even want to take a chance and look around for possible danger/threat. There I was, taking them undies off and started relieving myself. Then, gq gq gq, the sound of hasty footsteps coming towards my direction. ALAS....all hell broke lose at that moment! I won't lie to, there was no time to finish the relief exercise, so yes, with them undies down...I ran towards the door of indumba. All I was thinking, whatever it is that is coming, will have to drag me out---"I willnot be an easy victim". Mind you, as I am running back towards the door, the peeing continues---remember the pressure was too much from the onset! Did I not forget that I had to pull my step-up because of the stoep? Off course I fell so hard on my knees and on my very own pee! As I tried to pull myself up, there was Blackberry and Tshisa (my dogs) licking my feet! Yessssss, it was Blackberry and Tshisa's footsteps I was running away from!

I couldn't help but be angry at myself! In all my life of just over three decades, I have never seen a ghost/zombie/witch with my naked eye...but the fear of the unknown can be overwhelming.

2. Cleansing after a date with my Boo

This is one of the basic rules of isangoma/gqirha/mthandazeli.

Your body should be regarded by you as a sacred space. You carry in you powerful spirits. Ephehlweni you will always be reminded, "Idlozi, alihlali endaweni engcolile!" One should always have the body cleansing mixture ready for when you come back from playing x-rated games at all times.The trick is, you cannot enter isigodlo before your body is properly cleansed.

Heeeehhh...in the not so distant past, like recently, I wish I could kill myself on this particular shushu day!

As I was driving towards the homestead, I noticed a car I could not immediately recognise parked under a tree in the yard. Suddenly I had a conviction...."damn, I have visitors esigodlweni!" Then I remembered that the cleansing mixture had finished, I had forgotten to make another one to prepare for 'imini zikaxakeka'. I wanted to die when I remembered that there was only my mother at home. There was no child or thwasa I could deligate to prepare the mixture for me. The guests, I remembered, I had given them this date to come back for further treatment. Mind you, they came from a town over 200km from my town, so I could not turn them back.

That day I had to bow down and be exposed to my mother whom when I asked to enter the indumba to get the cleansing stuff for me, knew exactly what I had been up to! The look in her eyes made me feel like a teenager that was troublesome! "Uyinyanga into oyiyo, sukudlalisa apha!" (you are a healer, stop playing around)...those were her exact words!

I went to wash. Now, you have to know that this mixture contains an ingredient called 'uMasixabane'...those who know what it is will tell you that this is one bulb that leaves prolonged really itchy effects! Thinkin about it makes me feel the stinging itch right now!

There was no time to tend to my itchy self, I had to quickly attend to my clients! ALAS, they had not only come for their treatment, they had brought a relative who wanted me to throw bones and devine! I hated every moment of that consultation! But it was the quickest consultation ever! I have heard before that 'uMasxabane'  makes you sharp ezindabeni! I got to the problem faster than I have ever devined in my short Mngoma life!

As they were leaving, the wife of the client recommended an ointment I can use to relieve the 'itch'...and I thought to myself...."If only you knew my dear!"

Needless to say, I could not keep the promise to visit the 'Boo' again that day! He also did not call to find out why I had not gone back. Guess why....he is also a trainee Sangoma... as we discussed it later on in the week, I laughed when he told me that he was praying that I would not come back that day as he also was not in the mood for another dose of 'uMasxabane' the following day!

Let me stop right there....before I share too much!  

When I was Miss Goodie Two Shoes

Believe it or not, today I am a hardcore liberal, but at some point in my life I was a Miss Goodie Two Shoes.

I cannot tell you when this trait started nor when it ended, but I realise with grown up eyes now, that damn! I was that kind of child that was a nuisance to the happiness of other children.

As away back as my first grade, I remember being the teachers' pet. My main purpose for going to school then was simply to impress my teachers and shine as the cleverest of the kindergarten lot. Of course, when you are a naturally gifted child, it is very easy to become a show off. Our teachers then were not well equipped to deal with below average pupils. I look back with sympathy now at all the classmates that were treated with contempt simply because they took too long to grasp curricular concepts.

The poor kids would be made to feel their inadequacy in many ways then one. For starters, the seating arrangement was a big give away! The smartest child in the classroom would be seated at the front, right next to the class teacher's table. The dumbest in the classroom would occupy the last seat at the darkest corner of the class. In the different classrooms we would be sent to on different errands, we knew exactly who the dumbest are based on this seating arrangement!

The punishment system was also rather cruel and telling! All those that don't know an answer to a particular question would be required to remain standing for the duration of the lesson! Even school inspectors understood this system and operated at the back of it. When the school inspectors visit the school, the classwork books would be arranged in the same manner....top achievers' books would be at the top! The below average pupils would be warned not to raise their hands in an attempt to answer a question should the inspector ask questions...........Lol....thinking about now, this was cruel!

During our time, I doubt our teachers even knew of conditions and disorders such as Dislexia, Attention Defficiency Disorder (ADD), etc! They teaching approach was uniform to all of us! Looking back now, I cannot help but identify some of my classmates that were probably dislexic or other! Scared to mention names because Facebook has made the connection with friends from as way back as kindergarten possible...tl tl tl!

It is a surprise and albeit some relief that some of them have turned out okay. Others are even more successful in their careers in comparison to us their cleverer counterparts!

This phenomenon even had an effect on our socialisation. Because I was treated with such preference at a young age, I was under pressure to excel at all times! I had to prove a point! I could not be classified with other teenagers who suffered from challenges of the adolescent stage. As a result of this, I am rather a late bloomer. I missed out on a number of experiments that an average teenager would engage in. I never kissed a boy until I was eighteen. I would not dare entretain a boy that wanted to stop me just for a chance to "chat"! I was well known in my neighbourhood for being the most hard headed and yet hot chick! I had a bitter-sweet relationship with boys from neighbourhood. I would only talk to you if you are not going to talk "rubbish". Most of them were friends with me because it was probably nice to be associated with a "hot" girl, but they knew they could not cross the boundary. I was an inspiration to most parents whose children were experimental rather very early on in ther adolescents. Girls my age despised me (even if they never said so...lol) for being the Miss Goodie Two Shoes that I was.

But alas!.....trouble struck as I knocked everyone off their comfy seats when I fell pregnant at the age of eighteen! The first guy I kissed got me into trouble....so much for waiting until I was ready!

The Miss Goodie Two Shoes element is still there though! I'm still that girl that waits for the guy to say "I Love You"....I am very oblivious to today's dating codes. Mina you have to spell the words out, or I don't understand you and as such we will never date until you say the magic words..........

When you are forced to confront your own devil

About two weeks ago, I made a decision to take my spirituality to the next level by forcing myself to doing things I have always assumed are difficult.

I have known for a while now that I have a spiritual guide (Isithunywa) that used to pray a lot during their time on earth. This I know from the dreams and visions that I encounter from time to time. Up until a week ago, I had no means of direct communication whith my spiritual guide. The yearning to connect has been there for a long time now.

I knew that the only way to make a connection would be through prayer, however, the umf to kneel down and pray was literally non-existent. I have been a regular churchgoer at the Presbyterian Church of Africa (my longtime family church), where I am even a member of the Mothers' Union (uManyano loMama). The reality is, even at church, my mind would be wailing and wondering. I rarely took note of even the day's scripture reading. I would come alive only when I hear a hymn being sung. My bible always had a place on my bedside table, but the energy to even open it was a scarce occurence. The only time I would be forced to pray was when things were not going well. Even this prayer would not be intense, in many ways then one, it would be just to out of fear (fulfilling a requirement that all Christians must pray in times of trouble). The prayesrs would be without a sequence or frequence, only when I would have remembered.

When I graduated as a traditional healer, my indumba/isigodlo was officially open (1st of June 2013). I would be surprised everytime I received clients who required my audience and the throw of my divination bones. Everytime I had a consultation, I would simply forget that I have iladi (sacred space in the indumba dedicated for prayers), laden with all different kinds of iziwasho.  I would rely on my divination bones and herbs. Off course it was easy to do this, because the bones have not disappointed me, not even once!

Then I started having dreams and visions of my spiritual guide. I realised that this caused by the imbalance I am creating when focusing only on the traditional ways of healing and forgeting the spiritual side. With no guidance, I struggled to comprehend what it is that was required of me. Until I made an uninformed decision to be on a fast and engage in deep spiritual prayer for a period of seven days. Don't ask me where I got this idea from, but I prayed about it and embarked on this spiritual 7 day pact without any fear.

I made the decision that my fast would have to be the extreme kind, that which allows no food at all. Today is the 6th day of the fast.I have been drinking only water and only once in a while will have an apple juice for energy. I have been praying over the six days religiously. I have dedicated certain times of the day for my prayers.

I embarked on this journey without any expectations whatsoever. The only thing I am seeking is the Lord's attention. Little did I know that the Lord you seek is within you. The attention you seek is that which your soul seeks from you. The forgiveness you wish for, has to come from you (you have to forgive yourself of your past sins). How can you forgive yourself if you are not faithful to what it is that you wish to be forgiven for? This on it's own forces you to look much deeper into yourself than you usually do. This is a period where I was forced to confront my conscience. Many times we lie to ourselves in the quest to please friends, family, etc. We end believing these lies and forgeting the real truth. We point fingers at people who have caused us pain. During this period, I realised that you are caused pain because you allowed someone to cause you pain. More often then not, the person that has caused you pain has felt a pain caused by you in the very same process. We always believe that our consince is clean even when it is not. During the past six days, I realised the pain I have caused on other people without even acknowledging it. I have cried during my prayers because I tell you, it is not nice to suddenly recognise the devil that lives in you!

Sincere prayer made me realise that the devil is not always wondering and loitering around. Many of us have accommodated him permanently within us! Today I know that the Lord's love and grace is within our reach, because it is embedded in our inner souls...only we have to find the key to access our very own souls!

Tomorrow is the 7th day of the fast. I will take a journey to the wilderness, where I will conclude my prayer session. I have a feeling, for me to access my soul for real, I will have to tell on the devil! I have to sincerely acknowledge my past secret friendship with the devil!

When they say, "Never say never"....

Long overdue greetings to you all.

First I need to apologise for my sudden disappearance on the blogging scene. I can give you a number of reasons and excuses and hope that you will just understand. But the truth really: I stumbled and lost my way, in the process lost interest in having contact with the world! Lame, I know for a person who claims to have found the formula to live a simple life. But hey, we don't have all the answers and we don't have controls on all that happens or still is to happen to us...I've learnt to have to accept that...in a very hard way!

But my come back is not to beg for your understanding, but rather to pick up where I left...and hopefully to never stop writing on my beloved blog.

Back to the essence of my post...

The past few months have been an extremely trying time for me. When I thought I have found answers to questions that had been boggling me for a long time, but I still felt a very painful void.

After accepting the calling to become igqirha, I honestly thought that all would be well and fine. I assumed I would gradually get my life back and regain my social status. As a result of not answering the calling sooner, my marriage brokedown, I lost my beautiful house in North Riding (a northern suburb in Johannesbag), left my position as a Senior Project Manager at a consulting company in Rosebank, lost an Audi A4, BMW, Citigolf...eish...the list is endless! I had to give-up my beautiful Labrador, Smirnoff!

When I did my first ritual of iSiphuthumo, hardly a week later, I received a call to attend an interview the following week. I accepted the offer, though the earnings would be much less than my previous salary, I was elated to get a job in the field of economic development in my hometown.

I assumed my life would slowly start getting back to normal. But, ALAS!...it was only the beginning of my troubles.

I was under igqirha uMama uMamNtande from kwaNothenga Location in Middledrift. Damn, she is a shrewd trainer! At the beginning I was excited that my ancestors had chosen igqirha that is well respected and as such is always needed to conduct rituals that only igqirha lomlambo can lead. It was exciting for me to pack every other Friday to join her and my spiritual sisters ezintlombeni. I would proudly put on my gear and smear my face with the white clay (imbola), and waltz around town looking for whatever items that would still be outstanding for the specific ritual. I had become a celebrity gqirha in my own little way. The ladies at the Kwantu Spar admired my confidence...I invested in beautiful izishweshwe from Durban and my white t-shirts would be brand names such as Lacoste, Guess, Dickies...hey wena! I would even walk barefeet sometimes (between you and me, I was a show-off shame).

On joining my spiritual family at entlombeni (the poor souls would have been at this home for the whole week because they are unemployed, and you can't miss intlombe without a valid reason), I would be welcomed with cheers as I would be bringing them izibiliboco from town. I kept secret stashes of sweets, chips, take-away food, etc. in my car. This was my own way of buying my comfort as they would help me with my chores in exchange for a few delicacies...tl tltl...

We would be expected to dance to the beat of the drum until midnight, sometimes until the sun came out! As initiates we were not allowed to sleep before amagqirha amakhulu! There would be so many chores, from grinding herbs to cooking for the whole cast of amagqirha.

As time passed, I began resenting izintlombe and feeling lazy to attend. But my biological mother would push me and because of her I persevered. My spiritual sisters began missing from izintlombe, at times, I would be the only initiate attending. I remember at the home-coming (Umgoduso), of our eldest spiritual sister, I was the only initiate attending. I had to attend to five senior amagqirha. As an initiate, your job is to wake up before everyone wakes up. The first four days we spent in the bush and I would have to make a fire andd fetch water from the river to make them tea, cook porridge, make brekfast, give them water to wash, prepare lunch and supper, wash their clothes, etc.! Also back at the homestead, I had to attend to their needs, all in all we were there for seven days! This is all happening during December! I only went back home on the 24th of December! Most of my friends had written me off the social scene.

There were many other izintlombe where I would be the only initiate attending. I would have to fetch MamNtande from her house with my car  and take her back. Even with all this commitment, it hurt to realise that she didn't appreciate my effort. She would be shouting at me in the presence of the various families we would be serving. Not once did she seem to have confidence in me by giving me the chance to do some of the things such as ukuhlwayelela, etc! When the other initiates decide to join us at izintlombe, she didn't find it difficult to engage in gossip about me. I began resenting my spiritual journey. There would be people coming to consult her regarding their various problems (ukuvumisa). It did not bother her that all her initiates were not good at ukuvumisa---we would always miss the point...tl tl tl. This was bothering me big time! I began asking myself questions about igqirha that my ancestors chose for me.

Then I had the priviledge of having a private conversaton with igqirha from Port Elizabeth who frequented izintlombe zethu. She taught me the process of ukuphahla and how this was an important communication tool with my ancestors. She seemed to have picked up our lack of the know-how on many aspects of ubugqirha. She told me that I could make my own mixture of izilawu at home so that ndiphehle ibhekile in the quest to finding answers from my ancestors. She told me that I needed to buy two tot-glasses that i would fill with gin and brandy at all times to encourage my ancestos' presence. She told me why I had to mix impepho with snuff. She told me to get red, blue, yellow and white candles to light and pray to the Lord almighty and ask him to intervene in my journey. She told me that in mrayesr to God and my ancestors, I could report igqirha lam if I felt she was misbehaving. I proceeded to do as advised and prepared a room that would be private for my prayer rituals.

Within a month, my dreams were much more clearer. I began hearing voices and sounds in my ears. I began having visions. I remember the first time ndivumisa and being on point, this family had come to consult about their son that had gone missing. Somehow I knew I was on the right track and I could feel it in my blood.

Then a few months later, the inevitable happened! The ancestors made their presence in me known in full view of my brothers. We had been sitting and fooling around in my hut, when suddenly I had a funny feeling. I felt I was not in control of my body and my emotions. I began laughing and cring at the same time! I tried to stop, but I could not. My brothers thought I was playing a funny joke on them, but hey, I was also surprised and scared. I was making funny sounds and started rolling on the floor. I was talking and they could noy hear what I was saying. My voice was deep. I kicked the door with so much powere, lying on my tummy! They called my mother. She didn't know what to say. I went into deep sleep afterwards.

When I woke up, I knew my life would never be the same again. I new it was time to find out about uMndawu as I suspected this had something to do with it.

I started remembering how we would laught at izangoma wearing read amahiya as my spiritual family. MamNtade had instilled in us that those are people who have fallen in the trap of eating umgubo (the powder mixture that causes amakhosi/izizwe to habitate in your body. Somehow, I had always felt that this notion was wrong as my very own Aunt had thwasad uMndawu and I was present when she woke up from her bed and was led by a dream to the house of the woman that was going to initiate her.

Over time I had done my research on the internet on Umndawu and IsiNguni. As a Facebooker, I am a member of about ten groups zamagqirha/abathandazeli. I have followed posts and comments that have helped to mould my own opinions ngoMndawu and IsiNguni.

My very own community is misled about uMndawu and IsiNguni. It is a general assumption that if you wear amahiya ---unamakhosi/izizwe.

The question was, am I willing to go against my immediate community's social belief system and be an outcast? I myself had pointed fingers at such people and had even spoken to some of them telling them how they were misled. In the past, to me, a real gqirha liphatha ishoba lenkomo, hhayi elenkonkoni! Damn, I had vowed that "NEVER" shall I be misled!

 On the 8th of May, I boarded a bus, enroute to Soweto to be initiated by Baba uJombigazi insizwa kaMtshali, kwiMpande iDamu La Mahlebo. I will never forget the day they beat drums for me in the process of ukukhuphula idlozi (ukugajeka) . Umnikazi came out first and introduced himself as Kholekile (my grandfather), then Mazizi ( my father) then Mphuphumi (my greatest grand father)! That day I knew....."this is it, ngiyinyanga and I don't owe anyone any excuse!".

Today I know what they mean when they say, "Never say never!"

My soul has taught me how to live and let be

I am at a point in my left where I feel abundantly blessed to be me. There was a time in my life when I just could not get enough of anything. A conscious exercise of years of soul searching has landed me on a plane of contentment and gratification. Through getting to know my soul, I have this to share with you:

1. It is true what they say: Happiness begins with you
For a very long time in my life, I actively looked for happiness (literally searched for it). Now I know that happiness is a state, it can neither be devised nor chased. It's a decision that you make. Being close friends with your innerself is very key. You need to understand the child in you, the mother in you, the man in you, etc. When you need to put your foot down, don't procastinate (the result of that is the procastination of your own happiness). When you need to say no, do not be ambigous. Ambiguity creates unnecessay anxiety. Do not be rigid, try to be flexible. This is your own self, if you can't spoil your own self, your soul has no companion in you. Break the rules a little, sometimes. For instance, if it is your routine to go to church every Sunday, skipping one Sunday could be a rare treat. This can be your little secret between you, your soul and your God.

• Once in a while, I play in the rain (with my child), and just hope that the flu will understand that it's just once in a while!
• Once in a while, I exceed the speed of 120km/h on the freeway. I've tested 220 km/h. It's dangerous, but I really needed to know how it feels.
• Once in a while I play the radio on full blast! Just nje...

All that I'm saying is that allow the child in you to play once in a while.

2. I fall in love too hard and too fast: IT'S OKAY!
It's just in my nature. I'm a sucker for LOVE! I have to love you to kiss you. But then, it is also not so difficult for me to let go. I have to feel the love back, or else I'm out of that relationship fast! I don't hold grudges where love is concerned. It makes no sense to me to hate you for not loving me enough. Love is an emotion you can't dicttate to anyone! All relationships are trial and error at the beginning. Jus be sure to use protection as you are busy with your trials.

3. There is only one me, and the only life I have is the one I have right now
Some people feel that I tend to over share on my blog. One guy I like feels that it's a bit weird because on the blog I think I am brutally honest with myself. Look, I've spent a fair share of my life hiding my true feelings about various things. That has never brought me any joy as I've always felt that when I misrepresent the truth about me, I'm actually satisfying someone else other than me. I've never liked being bullied. So lying about myself feels like I am actually letting society bully me about how I choose to be known.

I've gotten to know me because that is who I spend time with when I'm happy, sad or angry! I can never know how to be you because I will never know which part of you is fake and which part is real.

Neither can I wait for tomorrow to be me. I have to be me now. Why postpone?

4. A bit of self-confidence won't kill you, BELIEVE ME!
Between you and me, if I am shy, then you get to shine because you have chosen to be the confident one. Why on earth would I let that happen? Í have learnt to speak up during meetings. If I have someting to say, I will say it during the meeting, not after the meeting. This has helped me push boundaries significantly. I now feel valued as an employee. I contribute with pleasure and at no pressure. It is also easy to accept when I have flopped, because I know I have shown people the best of me, so when I drop the ball,I only have myself to blame.

5. Do take risks once in a while
Life without risks can never be exciting. I have recently lost a bit of weight. Besides, I spent manty years moaning and bickering about this and that and forgot to live during that time. My wardrobe suffered the most as a result. When I started on my new job (mind you new job, new town, new people), I knew that if I wanted to command, the first thing I needed to work on is my wardrobe. I had no budget for this rather costly exercise. Just once, I chose to skip paying rent and other major things and went on a shopping spree! The result...a bickering landlord who can't evict me for missing rent just once, and a new found confidence as I change my stilletos everyday!

6. Get over yourself and live life!
Recently, a very close friend of mine invited us to her uMemulo in Richards Bay. I't been a year since I saw some of our crew members since my move to the Eastern Cape. When I received the invitation, I felt sad that I do not have a good enough car to carry me to Richards Bay. The Rand was also a bit on the low side and I could not afford booking flights! Then I had an AHA moment when I saw Citilner Bus prices! I booked immediately. The only problem is that Citiliner goes only as far as Durban. To proceed to Richards Bay I took a taxi! As soon as I got there, there was only laughter. We reminisced about the good and the bad times. We danced and sang the whole night! The B&B people had to chase us out because we just could not get ourselves to leave! We played in the water, posed for photos like small children! I am smiling as I think about that outing. Imagine if I had felt that I was too good to board a Citiler or even a taxi for that matter! I would have missed out on this beautiful experience!

Growing up

I have a very good relationship with my nieces and nephews. In fact some of them confide in me like they would to a friend. Some of their discussions with me triggered these childhood memories:

1.       Interesting names

Some of my friends had interesting names like: Jumaimama; Nontlupheko; Bennedicta; Nomakhephu; Lord; Psychology (I swear); Agriculture

2.       Chiskop hairdo

Our parents did not have time to play. Chiskop was the way to go in terms of hair grooming, even for a girl.

3.       UMaMhlongo

Remember those panties that came in maroon or green. They were tough as hell! They usually came with your school uniform. They had an obvious lack of sexiness

4.       Crush

If you had a crush on a boy, you would have to keep this a secret to die with or else you will be famous for ‘liking boys’

5.       Ukujola

I remember in primary school, there was a ritual of naming and shaming abajolayo. If you had a boyfriend, your name would be included in a list of those who will be named and shamed during assembly. Your names would be called and you would be required to explain in front of the whole school ukuthi why wena UJOLA!

6.       Number 1, 2, 3

Merit positions were a competitive affair. Every June and December, we would wait to see who names would be called at assembly ....I believe nowadays this is called valedictory. If you let slip and lose your top 3 position, your fellow pupils had a way of making you feel like a loser!

7.       Menstrual periods

It was considered such a shame to start your periods early (i.e. before 15)....as if it’s in your control. There was a general belief that if you start early, it means uyajola!

8.       Pet names

Everyone had a pet name. Mine was Mabatha/ Quarter to 3

9.       Ukugwara

You had to be good ekugwareni or risk becoming everyone’s playground. Ukugwara was considered a skill, there were well known champions zokugwara. For example, your friend would say, “Your family can’t afford margarine, so you use Vaseline to butter your bread”.

10.   Cruel games

We had games there were somewhat cruel. For example: “Let’s play andazi”. Then you spend the whole day staying on the alert. To every question you would have to respond with “andazi”. Responding otherwise would earn you a good tshisampama (hot klap).

11.   Umgosi

We were up to date with lokshin mgosi. We knew that your big sister ujola no Bra Jazz who is well known for being i “O” kaSis Joice!

Pity I’m tired....there is so much I remember, but I need to go now.