Tell me if I am wrong

This guy that’s been working hard to charm his way into my heart has suddenly vanished, into thin air literally. Just when I was beginning to enjoy his company and could see the prospects of us ending up together---he took a hike.

To be honest with you, I think I have an idea what drove him away.

You see, if you were born in 1976 like me and still have not found your soul mate, you will understand where I’m coming from. I have tried the dating thing, the challenges are just too much for a big girl like me.

So these days, I do not even waste time. If a guy proposes love to me, I put forward these conditions to him:

1.      If you have a girlfriend, you must break-up with her before we can even start calling each other pet names ...because I am simply too old to be competing for a man’s heart.

2.      Do you love Jesus? If I have a man in my life, I expect him to come to church with me, or take me to your own church. I’m tired of envying couples that pray together.

3.      I’m a storyteller, so my phone conversations are rarely shorter than 10 minutes...I hope you have worked hard enough to afford airtime to call me.

4.       Do you love life?

a.       I’m spontaneous. I can decide on a Friday that I’m going to Kuruman for the weekend...will this be a problem to you?

b.      Once a while I must be served. I love restaurants...did you get that right? Restaurants, not KFC or Champs.

5.      I have 4 children depending on me and I treat all of them like my own. So if you decide to surprise me with pizza, one box is just not enough for all of us.

6.      I may be a  fatty boom boom, I like man more if he tries to avoid a potbelly. I have mine because I gave birth twice. Wena? What did you give birth too?

7.      Do you read? I spend more money on books than underwear. So I hope you have books I can borrow.

8.      Do you take interest in what’s happening around you? `Cos when I watch the Weakest Link with you, I expect to be impressed by your general knowledge.

9.      You do understand that even a woman my age is Facebook/Twitter connected. Promise me you won’t think I’m childish.

10.  Do you have a house of your own, because my house is my children’s home. I don’t have any intension of having you as an extra in our household. I can’t have my little one asking if uBhuti uChulumanco will be sleeping over again tonight...creepy!

11.  I hope you are quick witted....because I will be disappointed if you think that Mafa and Putco are not funny. You are not a hater moss neh....so you do understand why I like tuning in on uMhlobo wenene between 15:00-18:00 weekdays...to listen to KC of course.

12.  I hang out more with guys than girls. Don’t expect my boys to suddenly vanish because you have arrived!

13.  Are you a traditionalist?

a.      Because you see, I’m a chosen child of the ancestors...so from time to time, I slaughter goats and all.

b.      And ohh yeah...some weekends are not good for me because I attend izintlombe.

c.       Sometimes I wake up at night and I must talk to my ancestors...I hope you won’t think I’m weird!

14.  Lastly...for now at least...(My friends will laugh at this)

a.      I can be a cry baby...it will help if you have a pet name that only you call me by to soothe me.

b.      A kiss is usually good enough to calm me down...I hope you have a strict oral hygiene routine!

When my guy friends read my list...they advised that I should expect to cuddle a pillow all nights...till death!

Pheeuww...may be I must revise the damn list