LIFE HAPPENS

It is a SHAME! I have not posted on this blog in a very very long while! The last post was in 2013. I know people that created blogs round about the same time and are cashing in on them as we speak. Although I am tempted to explain my absence, if I am to be inspired to keep up with the writing, I would rather not. Let us just summarily acknowledge that ….LIFE HAPPENS! A sincere apology to my 20 followers for the absenteeism. There is so much to share….the happenings of the past four years….I do not know where to start.

Let’s roll with LIFE HAPPENS and see where it will lead us! -----You can’t believe I am looking for emojis to express my current emotion right now. Social media writing is such a spoiler. I have to remind myself that blog writing is expressive, an emoji cannot replace the need to define a definite emotion---- Bear with me, I will get the hang of it as we move right along.

LIFE HAPPENS ----My moemish moments (2009 – 2017)

Dating Moemish NUMBER 1

As a divorcee (2009) , getting back to the dating scene has not been without moemish moments. I remember a time when I was MCeeing at a friend’s lavish wedding reception. It was a beautiful day marked with several glitches that cost me the opportunity to enjoy my very first MC role. On that day I could have concluded that I would never accept a request to MC any event ever in my life again. But as God loves us all, I am happy to share that I have since had many opportunities to master the art of being a Programme Director. That is not where we are though.

The glitches on that evening include the fact that the seating arrangements were not posted on the notice board for guests to know which table to go to. The person that was supposed to be the custodian of the list even so much as denied knowing that she had to fetch the list from the printers….CAN YOU IMAGINE! A wedding sponsored by True Love Magazine Nogal! This very first glitch meant that as the person with the mic had to shout to an audience of about 200 guests announcing table numbers and coming up with some kind of a system to get guests to be seated as quickly as possible. This was a tiresome exercise! Moving from one corner to another, fetching VIP guests (father of the groom, uncle, etc.) to at least have them get the front tables. Imperatively, let me tell you that the pencil heel shoes I was wearing were refusing to bond with the vast cobra oil polished floor. I had to mind my every step! Did I mention the pair of shoes was a stiletto sandal bought brand new from ALDO! I thought comfort would come from the genuine leather, but the heel was just not coping with the weight exerted onto it for such a lengthy period. Perhaps, if it was only the shoe that was a problem, we would be talking a different story.

You see, like most other fuller figured ladies (or may be overweight -----looool, blogging must accept emojis as well), I also collect different kinds of underclothing that are meant to make one look a size or two smaller. On this day I had put on a brand new pair of panties from Woolies….the type that collects your woobly tummy together. I made the mistake of trying to be smart and get a pair that is one size smaller than my usual size. Needless to say, the discomfort I felt throughout the night was too agonising.

I will not dwell on how the day went, I trust that by now we all get the picture. However, at the end of a very long evening, we were invited to the groom’s home, where we were going to have a braai and drinks. Before I left the venue though, as much as I thought my Programme Directing was appalling, there were few nice people that approached to give me a heads up.

We are getting closer to where we are going with this….your patience is much appreciated thus far. I distinctly remember two guys that had sweet little things to say. One of them was going to join us at the braai, the other offered an apology that he would not be able to join us. The gentleman that was not joining us was unfortunately not so pleasing to the eye (think of that guy with colourful shirts on Muvhango….his name escapes me right now). He was friends with the gentleman that would be joining us. Need I say that the mister that would be joining us was indeed a hottie.

I was quite pleased that I was apparently still attractive. Mister Hottie quickly became a promising boo to be, taking care of my needs at the braai. At this point, I was a lot more relaxed…I took the shoes off the moment I got into the car. I was bare footed for the rest of the evening (kudala ngathwasa shame….loooool). The panties together with the one night dress were in the boot. I felt very comfortable in my pair of jeans (people were still dressed to the nines….looooool….did I care?)

My friends envied me for getting Mr Hotty’s attention. Overnight he seemed like one of us. Eventually, we all had to call it a day and go back to our ordinary lives full of Generations and Muvhango. But Mr Hotty did the honourable thing and asked for my number.

Let us fast forward to four days later. Mr Hotty calls and asks what I would be doing Thursday evening. I let him know we would be having a girls’ night out at the Cubana Lounge in Fourways. I was going to be meeting my friends Londeka and Eustacia for sundowners. He politely asked if he could come pop in for a moment. Of course, I needed to brag to my crew that this train was moving faster than I thought. They all had been pestering me about moving on after the divorce.

Mr hotty arrives and quickly spots our table. He comes to greet and politely requests to have a word with me privately. He was not alone though. Remember the not so good looking guy that gave me a heads up at the wedding (let’s call him Muvhango) ….yeah, he was with him. I did not see a need to refuse, so I followed them as they looked for an empty table. Mr Hotty indeed promises my friends a good time (drinks on him) when he comes back. Little did I know that this meant he was going to be introducing me to Muvhango. There is certainly nothing wrong with introductions (no matter how ugly you are, you still deserve to be acknowledged), so I had my best smile trying to look like a nice girl. Mr Hotty then goes on and on about how Muvhango was ataken with me on the first day he saw me…..HHE BANA! Not long after, he left us to get to know each other! I was dismayed! Having presented myself as a very sweet and respectful girl, I could not suddenly change my tune.

I quickly came up with a plan. I was going to send a text message to my baby’s nanny to call me so I could pretend there was suddenly an emergency at home. I wrote the message, only saying “Please call me”. My phone rang. I picked up and went on to act hysterically. I quickly apologised to Muvhango and went to my friends to tell them I had to rush home. I was confused though as to why they seemed they were about to burst out laughing. But this was an emergency, reading people’s faces was not really a top priority. I left the scene.

As I approached the parking Londeka calls to tell me I had been busted. The text I thought went to the nanny went to Mr Hotty. I answered the call without checking who it was and he never said a word. They told me to come back because Muvhango had decided to leave. Shame….apparently the poor guy bought the act!

Mr Hotty was still there with my friends….as I entered the lounge, I was stunned to see him still at the table with my friends. However, the way he was laughing made me realise he was not so upset with me. He just could not get over the extent to which I went just to get away from Muvhango.

We remained good friends with Mr Hotty for a good while….what with him being a nice guy always taking care of the GIRLS.

Yeah….there you have it Dating Moemish NUMBER 1.

The chronicles of a new Sangoma: the light and blonde moments

Eish....I've been pondering on this topic and wondering if I should put it out there. You see, whilst I am naturally a storyteller and as my friends would bluntly put it "wakhatywa lihhashi esifubeni", which when loosely translated means I am a person of very few secrets...the reality is there are many things about ubungoma/gqirha that one is not allowed to share loosely with common people---yes, people like you - abangathwasanga. On the same breadth though, it is quite tempting to share some of the blonde moments in the quest to open your eyes that ours is not a life where one can take things for granted.

Let me take a chance and see if I will be punished for letting you in.

The following are just some of the moments where I have felt fed-up with it all, only to laugh at myself later on:

1. Sleeping endumbeni

There are times when you want to be close to aakhehla akho and the best thing to do during those tims is to sleep endumbeni. But there are rules to be observed endumbeni at all times. In fact, the reason for the post is an experience I had at the wee hours of this morning.

Before I went to bed i was feeling really cold and needed something to quickyly warm me up, so I took a cup of coffee to endumbeni to sleep. When I finished the coffee, I had a really bad headache and drank half a jug of water. I dosed off. At exactly 3:00 am, I somehow woke up.

Damn, I needed to take a pee really badly. Then I remembered I would have to go outside to pee---you can't exactly pee emsamo! I panicked as I remembered that OMG, 3 am is known to be the time witches when witches are roaming around doing their thing. This is also the time known to be for zombies (izithunzela/imikhovu). Even ghosts are roaming freely at this hour!  "What am I to do?" I was panicking, like SERIOUSLY! "I have to be strong", I told myself. I went ahead and opened the door. I did not even want to take a chance and look around for possible danger/threat. There I was, taking them undies off and started relieving myself. Then, gq gq gq, the sound of hasty footsteps coming towards my direction. ALAS....all hell broke lose at that moment! I won't lie to, there was no time to finish the relief exercise, so yes, with them undies down...I ran towards the door of indumba. All I was thinking, whatever it is that is coming, will have to drag me out---"I willnot be an easy victim". Mind you, as I am running back towards the door, the peeing continues---remember the pressure was too much from the onset! Did I not forget that I had to pull my step-up because of the stoep? Off course I fell so hard on my knees and on my very own pee! As I tried to pull myself up, there was Blackberry and Tshisa (my dogs) licking my feet! Yessssss, it was Blackberry and Tshisa's footsteps I was running away from!

I couldn't help but be angry at myself! In all my life of just over three decades, I have never seen a ghost/zombie/witch with my naked eye...but the fear of the unknown can be overwhelming.

2. Cleansing after a date with my Boo

This is one of the basic rules of isangoma/gqirha/mthandazeli.

Your body should be regarded by you as a sacred space. You carry in you powerful spirits. Ephehlweni you will always be reminded, "Idlozi, alihlali endaweni engcolile!" One should always have the body cleansing mixture ready for when you come back from playing x-rated games at all times.The trick is, you cannot enter isigodlo before your body is properly cleansed.

Heeeehhh...in the not so distant past, like recently, I wish I could kill myself on this particular shushu day!

As I was driving towards the homestead, I noticed a car I could not immediately recognise parked under a tree in the yard. Suddenly I had a conviction...."damn, I have visitors esigodlweni!" Then I remembered that the cleansing mixture had finished, I had forgotten to make another one to prepare for 'imini zikaxakeka'. I wanted to die when I remembered that there was only my mother at home. There was no child or thwasa I could deligate to prepare the mixture for me. The guests, I remembered, I had given them this date to come back for further treatment. Mind you, they came from a town over 200km from my town, so I could not turn them back.

That day I had to bow down and be exposed to my mother whom when I asked to enter the indumba to get the cleansing stuff for me, knew exactly what I had been up to! The look in her eyes made me feel like a teenager that was troublesome! "Uyinyanga into oyiyo, sukudlalisa apha!" (you are a healer, stop playing around)...those were her exact words!

I went to wash. Now, you have to know that this mixture contains an ingredient called 'uMasixabane'...those who know what it is will tell you that this is one bulb that leaves prolonged really itchy effects! Thinkin about it makes me feel the stinging itch right now!

There was no time to tend to my itchy self, I had to quickly attend to my clients! ALAS, they had not only come for their treatment, they had brought a relative who wanted me to throw bones and devine! I hated every moment of that consultation! But it was the quickest consultation ever! I have heard before that 'uMasxabane'  makes you sharp ezindabeni! I got to the problem faster than I have ever devined in my short Mngoma life!

As they were leaving, the wife of the client recommended an ointment I can use to relieve the 'itch'...and I thought to myself...."If only you knew my dear!"

Needless to say, I could not keep the promise to visit the 'Boo' again that day! He also did not call to find out why I had not gone back. Guess why....he is also a trainee Sangoma... as we discussed it later on in the week, I laughed when he told me that he was praying that I would not come back that day as he also was not in the mood for another dose of 'uMasxabane' the following day!

Let me stop right there....before I share too much!  

When I was Miss Goodie Two Shoes

Believe it or not, today I am a hardcore liberal, but at some point in my life I was a Miss Goodie Two Shoes.

I cannot tell you when this trait started nor when it ended, but I realise with grown up eyes now, that damn! I was that kind of child that was a nuisance to the happiness of other children.

As away back as my first grade, I remember being the teachers' pet. My main purpose for going to school then was simply to impress my teachers and shine as the cleverest of the kindergarten lot. Of course, when you are a naturally gifted child, it is very easy to become a show off. Our teachers then were not well equipped to deal with below average pupils. I look back with sympathy now at all the classmates that were treated with contempt simply because they took too long to grasp curricular concepts.

The poor kids would be made to feel their inadequacy in many ways then one. For starters, the seating arrangement was a big give away! The smartest child in the classroom would be seated at the front, right next to the class teacher's table. The dumbest in the classroom would occupy the last seat at the darkest corner of the class. In the different classrooms we would be sent to on different errands, we knew exactly who the dumbest are based on this seating arrangement!

The punishment system was also rather cruel and telling! All those that don't know an answer to a particular question would be required to remain standing for the duration of the lesson! Even school inspectors understood this system and operated at the back of it. When the school inspectors visit the school, the classwork books would be arranged in the same manner....top achievers' books would be at the top! The below average pupils would be warned not to raise their hands in an attempt to answer a question should the inspector ask questions...........Lol....thinking about now, this was cruel!

During our time, I doubt our teachers even knew of conditions and disorders such as Dislexia, Attention Defficiency Disorder (ADD), etc! They teaching approach was uniform to all of us! Looking back now, I cannot help but identify some of my classmates that were probably dislexic or other! Scared to mention names because Facebook has made the connection with friends from as way back as kindergarten possible...tl tl tl!

It is a surprise and albeit some relief that some of them have turned out okay. Others are even more successful in their careers in comparison to us their cleverer counterparts!

This phenomenon even had an effect on our socialisation. Because I was treated with such preference at a young age, I was under pressure to excel at all times! I had to prove a point! I could not be classified with other teenagers who suffered from challenges of the adolescent stage. As a result of this, I am rather a late bloomer. I missed out on a number of experiments that an average teenager would engage in. I never kissed a boy until I was eighteen. I would not dare entretain a boy that wanted to stop me just for a chance to "chat"! I was well known in my neighbourhood for being the most hard headed and yet hot chick! I had a bitter-sweet relationship with boys from neighbourhood. I would only talk to you if you are not going to talk "rubbish". Most of them were friends with me because it was probably nice to be associated with a "hot" girl, but they knew they could not cross the boundary. I was an inspiration to most parents whose children were experimental rather very early on in ther adolescents. Girls my age despised me (even if they never said so...lol) for being the Miss Goodie Two Shoes that I was.

But alas!.....trouble struck as I knocked everyone off their comfy seats when I fell pregnant at the age of eighteen! The first guy I kissed got me into trouble....so much for waiting until I was ready!

The Miss Goodie Two Shoes element is still there though! I'm still that girl that waits for the guy to say "I Love You"....I am very oblivious to today's dating codes. Mina you have to spell the words out, or I don't understand you and as such we will never date until you say the magic words..........

When you are forced to confront your own devil

About two weeks ago, I made a decision to take my spirituality to the next level by forcing myself to doing things I have always assumed are difficult.

I have known for a while now that I have a spiritual guide (Isithunywa) that used to pray a lot during their time on earth. This I know from the dreams and visions that I encounter from time to time. Up until a week ago, I had no means of direct communication whith my spiritual guide. The yearning to connect has been there for a long time now.

I knew that the only way to make a connection would be through prayer, however, the umf to kneel down and pray was literally non-existent. I have been a regular churchgoer at the Presbyterian Church of Africa (my longtime family church), where I am even a member of the Mothers' Union (uManyano loMama). The reality is, even at church, my mind would be wailing and wondering. I rarely took note of even the day's scripture reading. I would come alive only when I hear a hymn being sung. My bible always had a place on my bedside table, but the energy to even open it was a scarce occurence. The only time I would be forced to pray was when things were not going well. Even this prayer would not be intense, in many ways then one, it would be just to out of fear (fulfilling a requirement that all Christians must pray in times of trouble). The prayesrs would be without a sequence or frequence, only when I would have remembered.

When I graduated as a traditional healer, my indumba/isigodlo was officially open (1st of June 2013). I would be surprised everytime I received clients who required my audience and the throw of my divination bones. Everytime I had a consultation, I would simply forget that I have iladi (sacred space in the indumba dedicated for prayers), laden with all different kinds of iziwasho.  I would rely on my divination bones and herbs. Off course it was easy to do this, because the bones have not disappointed me, not even once!

Then I started having dreams and visions of my spiritual guide. I realised that this caused by the imbalance I am creating when focusing only on the traditional ways of healing and forgeting the spiritual side. With no guidance, I struggled to comprehend what it is that was required of me. Until I made an uninformed decision to be on a fast and engage in deep spiritual prayer for a period of seven days. Don't ask me where I got this idea from, but I prayed about it and embarked on this spiritual 7 day pact without any fear.

I made the decision that my fast would have to be the extreme kind, that which allows no food at all. Today is the 6th day of the fast.I have been drinking only water and only once in a while will have an apple juice for energy. I have been praying over the six days religiously. I have dedicated certain times of the day for my prayers.

I embarked on this journey without any expectations whatsoever. The only thing I am seeking is the Lord's attention. Little did I know that the Lord you seek is within you. The attention you seek is that which your soul seeks from you. The forgiveness you wish for, has to come from you (you have to forgive yourself of your past sins). How can you forgive yourself if you are not faithful to what it is that you wish to be forgiven for? This on it's own forces you to look much deeper into yourself than you usually do. This is a period where I was forced to confront my conscience. Many times we lie to ourselves in the quest to please friends, family, etc. We end believing these lies and forgeting the real truth. We point fingers at people who have caused us pain. During this period, I realised that you are caused pain because you allowed someone to cause you pain. More often then not, the person that has caused you pain has felt a pain caused by you in the very same process. We always believe that our consince is clean even when it is not. During the past six days, I realised the pain I have caused on other people without even acknowledging it. I have cried during my prayers because I tell you, it is not nice to suddenly recognise the devil that lives in you!

Sincere prayer made me realise that the devil is not always wondering and loitering around. Many of us have accommodated him permanently within us! Today I know that the Lord's love and grace is within our reach, because it is embedded in our inner souls...only we have to find the key to access our very own souls!

Tomorrow is the 7th day of the fast. I will take a journey to the wilderness, where I will conclude my prayer session. I have a feeling, for me to access my soul for real, I will have to tell on the devil! I have to sincerely acknowledge my past secret friendship with the devil!

When they say, "Never say never"....

Long overdue greetings to you all.

First I need to apologise for my sudden disappearance on the blogging scene. I can give you a number of reasons and excuses and hope that you will just understand. But the truth really: I stumbled and lost my way, in the process lost interest in having contact with the world! Lame, I know for a person who claims to have found the formula to live a simple life. But hey, we don't have all the answers and we don't have controls on all that happens or still is to happen to us...I've learnt to have to accept that...in a very hard way!

But my come back is not to beg for your understanding, but rather to pick up where I left...and hopefully to never stop writing on my beloved blog.

Back to the essence of my post...

The past few months have been an extremely trying time for me. When I thought I have found answers to questions that had been boggling me for a long time, but I still felt a very painful void.

After accepting the calling to become igqirha, I honestly thought that all would be well and fine. I assumed I would gradually get my life back and regain my social status. As a result of not answering the calling sooner, my marriage brokedown, I lost my beautiful house in North Riding (a northern suburb in Johannesbag), left my position as a Senior Project Manager at a consulting company in Rosebank, lost an Audi A4, BMW, Citigolf...eish...the list is endless! I had to give-up my beautiful Labrador, Smirnoff!

When I did my first ritual of iSiphuthumo, hardly a week later, I received a call to attend an interview the following week. I accepted the offer, though the earnings would be much less than my previous salary, I was elated to get a job in the field of economic development in my hometown.

I assumed my life would slowly start getting back to normal. But, ALAS!...it was only the beginning of my troubles.

I was under igqirha uMama uMamNtande from kwaNothenga Location in Middledrift. Damn, she is a shrewd trainer! At the beginning I was excited that my ancestors had chosen igqirha that is well respected and as such is always needed to conduct rituals that only igqirha lomlambo can lead. It was exciting for me to pack every other Friday to join her and my spiritual sisters ezintlombeni. I would proudly put on my gear and smear my face with the white clay (imbola), and waltz around town looking for whatever items that would still be outstanding for the specific ritual. I had become a celebrity gqirha in my own little way. The ladies at the Kwantu Spar admired my confidence...I invested in beautiful izishweshwe from Durban and my white t-shirts would be brand names such as Lacoste, Guess, Dickies...hey wena! I would even walk barefeet sometimes (between you and me, I was a show-off shame).

On joining my spiritual family at entlombeni (the poor souls would have been at this home for the whole week because they are unemployed, and you can't miss intlombe without a valid reason), I would be welcomed with cheers as I would be bringing them izibiliboco from town. I kept secret stashes of sweets, chips, take-away food, etc. in my car. This was my own way of buying my comfort as they would help me with my chores in exchange for a few delicacies...tl tltl...

We would be expected to dance to the beat of the drum until midnight, sometimes until the sun came out! As initiates we were not allowed to sleep before amagqirha amakhulu! There would be so many chores, from grinding herbs to cooking for the whole cast of amagqirha.

As time passed, I began resenting izintlombe and feeling lazy to attend. But my biological mother would push me and because of her I persevered. My spiritual sisters began missing from izintlombe, at times, I would be the only initiate attending. I remember at the home-coming (Umgoduso), of our eldest spiritual sister, I was the only initiate attending. I had to attend to five senior amagqirha. As an initiate, your job is to wake up before everyone wakes up. The first four days we spent in the bush and I would have to make a fire andd fetch water from the river to make them tea, cook porridge, make brekfast, give them water to wash, prepare lunch and supper, wash their clothes, etc.! Also back at the homestead, I had to attend to their needs, all in all we were there for seven days! This is all happening during December! I only went back home on the 24th of December! Most of my friends had written me off the social scene.

There were many other izintlombe where I would be the only initiate attending. I would have to fetch MamNtande from her house with my car  and take her back. Even with all this commitment, it hurt to realise that she didn't appreciate my effort. She would be shouting at me in the presence of the various families we would be serving. Not once did she seem to have confidence in me by giving me the chance to do some of the things such as ukuhlwayelela, etc! When the other initiates decide to join us at izintlombe, she didn't find it difficult to engage in gossip about me. I began resenting my spiritual journey. There would be people coming to consult her regarding their various problems (ukuvumisa). It did not bother her that all her initiates were not good at ukuvumisa---we would always miss the point...tl tl tl. This was bothering me big time! I began asking myself questions about igqirha that my ancestors chose for me.

Then I had the priviledge of having a private conversaton with igqirha from Port Elizabeth who frequented izintlombe zethu. She taught me the process of ukuphahla and how this was an important communication tool with my ancestors. She seemed to have picked up our lack of the know-how on many aspects of ubugqirha. She told me that I could make my own mixture of izilawu at home so that ndiphehle ibhekile in the quest to finding answers from my ancestors. She told me that I needed to buy two tot-glasses that i would fill with gin and brandy at all times to encourage my ancestos' presence. She told me why I had to mix impepho with snuff. She told me to get red, blue, yellow and white candles to light and pray to the Lord almighty and ask him to intervene in my journey. She told me that in mrayesr to God and my ancestors, I could report igqirha lam if I felt she was misbehaving. I proceeded to do as advised and prepared a room that would be private for my prayer rituals.

Within a month, my dreams were much more clearer. I began hearing voices and sounds in my ears. I began having visions. I remember the first time ndivumisa and being on point, this family had come to consult about their son that had gone missing. Somehow I knew I was on the right track and I could feel it in my blood.

Then a few months later, the inevitable happened! The ancestors made their presence in me known in full view of my brothers. We had been sitting and fooling around in my hut, when suddenly I had a funny feeling. I felt I was not in control of my body and my emotions. I began laughing and cring at the same time! I tried to stop, but I could not. My brothers thought I was playing a funny joke on them, but hey, I was also surprised and scared. I was making funny sounds and started rolling on the floor. I was talking and they could noy hear what I was saying. My voice was deep. I kicked the door with so much powere, lying on my tummy! They called my mother. She didn't know what to say. I went into deep sleep afterwards.

When I woke up, I knew my life would never be the same again. I new it was time to find out about uMndawu as I suspected this had something to do with it.

I started remembering how we would laught at izangoma wearing read amahiya as my spiritual family. MamNtade had instilled in us that those are people who have fallen in the trap of eating umgubo (the powder mixture that causes amakhosi/izizwe to habitate in your body. Somehow, I had always felt that this notion was wrong as my very own Aunt had thwasad uMndawu and I was present when she woke up from her bed and was led by a dream to the house of the woman that was going to initiate her.

Over time I had done my research on the internet on Umndawu and IsiNguni. As a Facebooker, I am a member of about ten groups zamagqirha/abathandazeli. I have followed posts and comments that have helped to mould my own opinions ngoMndawu and IsiNguni.

My very own community is misled about uMndawu and IsiNguni. It is a general assumption that if you wear amahiya ---unamakhosi/izizwe.

The question was, am I willing to go against my immediate community's social belief system and be an outcast? I myself had pointed fingers at such people and had even spoken to some of them telling them how they were misled. In the past, to me, a real gqirha liphatha ishoba lenkomo, hhayi elenkonkoni! Damn, I had vowed that "NEVER" shall I be misled!

 On the 8th of May, I boarded a bus, enroute to Soweto to be initiated by Baba uJombigazi insizwa kaMtshali, kwiMpande iDamu La Mahlebo. I will never forget the day they beat drums for me in the process of ukukhuphula idlozi (ukugajeka) . Umnikazi came out first and introduced himself as Kholekile (my grandfather), then Mazizi ( my father) then Mphuphumi (my greatest grand father)! That day I knew....."this is it, ngiyinyanga and I don't owe anyone any excuse!".

Today I know what they mean when they say, "Never say never!"

My soul has taught me how to live and let be

I am at a point in my left where I feel abundantly blessed to be me. There was a time in my life when I just could not get enough of anything. A conscious exercise of years of soul searching has landed me on a plane of contentment and gratification. Through getting to know my soul, I have this to share with you:

1. It is true what they say: Happiness begins with you
For a very long time in my life, I actively looked for happiness (literally searched for it). Now I know that happiness is a state, it can neither be devised nor chased. It's a decision that you make. Being close friends with your innerself is very key. You need to understand the child in you, the mother in you, the man in you, etc. When you need to put your foot down, don't procastinate (the result of that is the procastination of your own happiness). When you need to say no, do not be ambigous. Ambiguity creates unnecessay anxiety. Do not be rigid, try to be flexible. This is your own self, if you can't spoil your own self, your soul has no companion in you. Break the rules a little, sometimes. For instance, if it is your routine to go to church every Sunday, skipping one Sunday could be a rare treat. This can be your little secret between you, your soul and your God.

• Once in a while, I play in the rain (with my child), and just hope that the flu will understand that it's just once in a while!
• Once in a while, I exceed the speed of 120km/h on the freeway. I've tested 220 km/h. It's dangerous, but I really needed to know how it feels.
• Once in a while I play the radio on full blast! Just nje...

All that I'm saying is that allow the child in you to play once in a while.

2. I fall in love too hard and too fast: IT'S OKAY!
It's just in my nature. I'm a sucker for LOVE! I have to love you to kiss you. But then, it is also not so difficult for me to let go. I have to feel the love back, or else I'm out of that relationship fast! I don't hold grudges where love is concerned. It makes no sense to me to hate you for not loving me enough. Love is an emotion you can't dicttate to anyone! All relationships are trial and error at the beginning. Jus be sure to use protection as you are busy with your trials.

3. There is only one me, and the only life I have is the one I have right now
Some people feel that I tend to over share on my blog. One guy I like feels that it's a bit weird because on the blog I think I am brutally honest with myself. Look, I've spent a fair share of my life hiding my true feelings about various things. That has never brought me any joy as I've always felt that when I misrepresent the truth about me, I'm actually satisfying someone else other than me. I've never liked being bullied. So lying about myself feels like I am actually letting society bully me about how I choose to be known.

I've gotten to know me because that is who I spend time with when I'm happy, sad or angry! I can never know how to be you because I will never know which part of you is fake and which part is real.

Neither can I wait for tomorrow to be me. I have to be me now. Why postpone?

4. A bit of self-confidence won't kill you, BELIEVE ME!
Between you and me, if I am shy, then you get to shine because you have chosen to be the confident one. Why on earth would I let that happen? Í have learnt to speak up during meetings. If I have someting to say, I will say it during the meeting, not after the meeting. This has helped me push boundaries significantly. I now feel valued as an employee. I contribute with pleasure and at no pressure. It is also easy to accept when I have flopped, because I know I have shown people the best of me, so when I drop the ball,I only have myself to blame.

5. Do take risks once in a while
Life without risks can never be exciting. I have recently lost a bit of weight. Besides, I spent manty years moaning and bickering about this and that and forgot to live during that time. My wardrobe suffered the most as a result. When I started on my new job (mind you new job, new town, new people), I knew that if I wanted to command, the first thing I needed to work on is my wardrobe. I had no budget for this rather costly exercise. Just once, I chose to skip paying rent and other major things and went on a shopping spree! The result...a bickering landlord who can't evict me for missing rent just once, and a new found confidence as I change my stilletos everyday!

6. Get over yourself and live life!
Recently, a very close friend of mine invited us to her uMemulo in Richards Bay. I't been a year since I saw some of our crew members since my move to the Eastern Cape. When I received the invitation, I felt sad that I do not have a good enough car to carry me to Richards Bay. The Rand was also a bit on the low side and I could not afford booking flights! Then I had an AHA moment when I saw Citilner Bus prices! I booked immediately. The only problem is that Citiliner goes only as far as Durban. To proceed to Richards Bay I took a taxi! As soon as I got there, there was only laughter. We reminisced about the good and the bad times. We danced and sang the whole night! The B&B people had to chase us out because we just could not get ourselves to leave! We played in the water, posed for photos like small children! I am smiling as I think about that outing. Imagine if I had felt that I was too good to board a Citiler or even a taxi for that matter! I would have missed out on this beautiful experience!

Growing up

I have a very good relationship with my nieces and nephews. In fact some of them confide in me like they would to a friend. Some of their discussions with me triggered these childhood memories:

1.       Interesting names

Some of my friends had interesting names like: Jumaimama; Nontlupheko; Bennedicta; Nomakhephu; Lord; Psychology (I swear); Agriculture

2.       Chiskop hairdo

Our parents did not have time to play. Chiskop was the way to go in terms of hair grooming, even for a girl.

3.       UMaMhlongo

Remember those panties that came in maroon or green. They were tough as hell! They usually came with your school uniform. They had an obvious lack of sexiness

4.       Crush

If you had a crush on a boy, you would have to keep this a secret to die with or else you will be famous for ‘liking boys’

5.       Ukujola

I remember in primary school, there was a ritual of naming and shaming abajolayo. If you had a boyfriend, your name would be included in a list of those who will be named and shamed during assembly. Your names would be called and you would be required to explain in front of the whole school ukuthi why wena UJOLA!

6.       Number 1, 2, 3

Merit positions were a competitive affair. Every June and December, we would wait to see who names would be called at assembly ....I believe nowadays this is called valedictory. If you let slip and lose your top 3 position, your fellow pupils had a way of making you feel like a loser!

7.       Menstrual periods

It was considered such a shame to start your periods early (i.e. before 15)....as if it’s in your control. There was a general belief that if you start early, it means uyajola!

8.       Pet names

Everyone had a pet name. Mine was Mabatha/ Quarter to 3

9.       Ukugwara

You had to be good ekugwareni or risk becoming everyone’s playground. Ukugwara was considered a skill, there were well known champions zokugwara. For example, your friend would say, “Your family can’t afford margarine, so you use Vaseline to butter your bread”.

10.   Cruel games

We had games there were somewhat cruel. For example: “Let’s play andazi”. Then you spend the whole day staying on the alert. To every question you would have to respond with “andazi”. Responding otherwise would earn you a good tshisampama (hot klap).

11.   Umgosi

We were up to date with lokshin mgosi. We knew that your big sister ujola no Bra Jazz who is well known for being i “O” kaSis Joice!

Pity I’m tired....there is so much I remember, but I need to go now.

Tell me if I am wrong

This guy that’s been working hard to charm his way into my heart has suddenly vanished, into thin air literally. Just when I was beginning to enjoy his company and could see the prospects of us ending up together---he took a hike.

To be honest with you, I think I have an idea what drove him away.

You see, if you were born in 1976 like me and still have not found your soul mate, you will understand where I’m coming from. I have tried the dating thing, the challenges are just too much for a big girl like me.

So these days, I do not even waste time. If a guy proposes love to me, I put forward these conditions to him:

1.      If you have a girlfriend, you must break-up with her before we can even start calling each other pet names ...because I am simply too old to be competing for a man’s heart.

2.      Do you love Jesus? If I have a man in my life, I expect him to come to church with me, or take me to your own church. I’m tired of envying couples that pray together.

3.      I’m a storyteller, so my phone conversations are rarely shorter than 10 minutes...I hope you have worked hard enough to afford airtime to call me.

4.       Do you love life?

a.       I’m spontaneous. I can decide on a Friday that I’m going to Kuruman for the weekend...will this be a problem to you?

b.      Once a while I must be served. I love restaurants...did you get that right? Restaurants, not KFC or Champs.

5.      I have 4 children depending on me and I treat all of them like my own. So if you decide to surprise me with pizza, one box is just not enough for all of us.

6.      I may be a  fatty boom boom, I like man more if he tries to avoid a potbelly. I have mine because I gave birth twice. Wena? What did you give birth too?

7.      Do you read? I spend more money on books than underwear. So I hope you have books I can borrow.

8.      Do you take interest in what’s happening around you? `Cos when I watch the Weakest Link with you, I expect to be impressed by your general knowledge.

9.      You do understand that even a woman my age is Facebook/Twitter connected. Promise me you won’t think I’m childish.

10.  Do you have a house of your own, because my house is my children’s home. I don’t have any intension of having you as an extra in our household. I can’t have my little one asking if uBhuti uChulumanco will be sleeping over again tonight...creepy!

11.  I hope you are quick witted....because I will be disappointed if you think that Mafa and Putco are not funny. You are not a hater moss neh....so you do understand why I like tuning in on uMhlobo wenene between 15:00-18:00 weekdays...to listen to KC of course.

12.  I hang out more with guys than girls. Don’t expect my boys to suddenly vanish because you have arrived!

13.  Are you a traditionalist?

a.      Because you see, I’m a chosen child of the ancestors...so from time to time, I slaughter goats and all.

b.      And ohh yeah...some weekends are not good for me because I attend izintlombe.

c.       Sometimes I wake up at night and I must talk to my ancestors...I hope you won’t think I’m weird!

14.  Lastly...for now at least...(My friends will laugh at this)

a.      I can be a cry baby...it will help if you have a pet name that only you call me by to soothe me.

b.      A kiss is usually good enough to calm me down...I hope you have a strict oral hygiene routine!

When my guy friends read my list...they advised that I should expect to cuddle a pillow all nights...till death!

Pheeuww...may be I must revise the damn list

A snippet into my new lifestyle as an Initiate

For ease of reading, I have tried to provide definitions for difficult Xhosa Vocabulary (bold and underlined) at the bottom of the article

As I woke up this morning, icamagu that I keep upright next to my bed fell and sent a painstaking reminder to my conscience that it has been a while since I did my prayer ritual of ukunqula. I felt a bit of guilt but hurriedly climbed off the bed as I was already late for work.

Again as I opened the tap for my morning bath, I wondered if I should be brave and pour the uMradeni mix. These herbs are supposed to help revive my intuitive abilities, to help me if I will have to do ukuvumisa.  The problem is, the herbs give an itchy effect when mixed with water and poured over the skin. The itchiness is barely bearable and takes at least 20 minutes to go away. So I decide that I am not feeling that brave this morning and am rather late for work and will not have time to nurse an itch. So I carried on with my bath routine and left the house.

As I sat down on my desk, I then remembered that I forgot to wear my neck icamagu. It is a blue and white beaded necklace. I felt a bit of guilt, but easily dismissed this because I did discuss with uMama that it will rather be very awkward for me to wear my beads in the office as some of the people I deal with can be very judgemental. I work as a Development Consultant. I deal with government officials, architects, engineers, funders, etc. I may be very close to closing a deal and only to find that the final signature will come from a guy that is a born-again Christian---that deal is gone if they judge you based on the beads hanging on your neck!

As I navigate through the day, enjoying my work, I am again reminded that today is a Thursday. UMama and my fellow abahlekazi are on their way to a village called Mxumbu in Middledrift. They will be joining uMama’s sister in training (igqirha that qualified with her) as she will be conducting the imvumakufa ritual for her initiate (her name is Nocebisa). They have to arrive at the initiate’s homestead today so that they can be welcomed and introduced to Nocebisa’s ancestors. The ancestors have to recognise that amagqirha have arrived through intlombe. You cannot believe how lucky I feel that I have a job and therefore exempt from attending the Thursday intlombe.

I am not totally free though, tomorrow (Friday), I will be joining them and only come back on Sunday. When I leave work tomorrow, my suitcase will be waiting for me, with all my gqirha regalia (izishweshwe,  nemibhaco and white towels) and beads. I will take off-my Eurocentric clothes and get into my gqirha dewish....isishweshwe, white top, white towel to wrap around my waist, a white nappy towel to wrap around my head. To top it all, white clay on my face, arms and legs and my blue and white beads on neck, wrists and ankles.

Pheeuuw, there you go....no rest in the life of UMhlekazi!

Come back again, there will be more to tell tomorrow.

Icamagu: the stick that you carry around for protection from evil. It also helps guide your spirit through your consultations (ukuvumisa). Mine is made out of the Matshinitshini and UMnquma trees. It has blue and white beading detail on it. The white beads symbolise that you are a ‘white’ person (ungumntu omhlophe). The blue symbolises that you have done imvumakufa, a ritual that sees you signing a pact with your ancestors by eating intsonyama of a goat.

Intsonyama: meat found under the left fore-leg of a goat.

Ukunqula: a prayer session where you call upon your ancestors (paternal and maternal, including those of both your grandmothers), telling them all that you need.
Ukuvumisa: A consultation process of checking what is troubling your client. A Xhosa igrirha does not throw bones, but rather uses ukunqula and intuition.
UMradeni: the herb that is made of onion-like bulbs. It is used to ward off evil spirits, whilst reviving your intuition (umbilini) as uMkhwetha. It gives a very itchy (very itchy) effect when poured over the skin.
Umbilini: the effect of intutition/instinct/hunch/sixth sense that uMkhwetha experiences throughout training.
UMama: The trainer of umKhwetha is called uMama (if it is a woman)
Abahlekazi: Fellow initiates that you are in training with
Intlombe: A dance routine where amagqirha nabahlekazi dance to a trance. During the dancing, they call their ancestors and those of the homestead visited through a process of ukuNqula (calling clan names). At 12 midnight, a Christian prayer is done to invite God almighty to be with the family and ward off all evil.
Isishweshwe: German print clothing, comes in blue or brown.
Umbhaco: White or cream hard cloth used in Xhosa traditional regalia

When my ancestors called me, I was driving a German car!

It has been a while since I had the inspiration to put any of my thoughts down. My blog has suffered a huge blow as a result. Blogging had become such an enjoyable activity for me I would look forward to hearing what my friends had to say about my posts. Yes, I have mostly friends who are either technologicaly challenged or technolologicaly lazy....instead of being a follower and comment on the blog itself, they will rather call you. But that's not where we are today: I want to tell you why I suddenly vanished and stayed away from blogging and social networks!

My last posts relate how I felt I had to leave Jozi and come to Alice.

At the beginning of it all, it was exciting and quite surreal to explain to everyone that cared to listen my sudden change of town of choice. I could see my friends and family trying to grasp my theory of how my life was changing for the better. Afterall, I was the girl that had had it all; but suddenly I had nothing.

I had had the house in Joburg, with the correct address nogal! No, from the beginning, I never experimented with any of Jozi's buzzy townships as residence. My first address was No. 6 Rhone Crescent, Fairfield. Baaabbby....this is one of the flashiest suburbs in the leafy North of Jozi! From there North Riding and Olivedale followed. I was not stepping down the ladder, but rather up, as I moved around the northern Suburbs!

At one point, I was the only African in a cul de sac crescent. I owned a dog, a labrador and his name was Smirnoff. Yes, dear...I was the type that walks their dog in the afternoon! I was the envy of some of my White dog owners....damnnnn....Smirnoff was a beauty! Included in my monthly budget was the cost of paying the mobile dog grooming parlour. You don't believe me, I know, but Smirnoff had regular manicures and pedicures...Lol!

Let's get to the part of the story you want to hear! When my ancestors called me to answer the calling to become igqirha, I was driving a German car! The point is, I had to loose it all to realise I had the calling!

This is what happened....

1. Debt pile up
After my divorce in 2009, I rejoiced, expecting for my livelihood to change for the better as I had gotten rid of the 'bad'man. Little did I know that, it was only the beginning of bad luck after tough luck! Bills started piling up as I had to start paying debt that hubby dearest left behind for me to take care of. He had been unemployed and had no intention to get any employment, so I hurried with the divorce, even agreeing to take on his debt. Pheeuuww....it was an uphill battle!

2. House sold
To sort out the debt that was piling up, I sold the house that I loved so much! You see, I am a problem solver by nature. The best way for me to come out of a bad situation is to 'make a decision'. So I made a decision! Rather than risking my children's comfortable private education lifestyle, a house downgrade was necessary! So I sold the house and moved to a 3 bedroom cluster house in Olivedale.

3. Car issues
 As soon as we moved into the cluster, the German car I've been pestering you about started giving problems! I was either getting bumped or the turbo would stop functioning, but it had become a nightmare to own this car. My poor brother, Xolile, shame...would drive from Sebokeng (West), to bring me a car. We started on a high note! The frist car he gave me was a Toyota Condor. I bumped a White woman's old 16v corolla driving the Condor. He did not give up. Next, he brought me a BMW 318i (G-String). This car was nice, until I started experiencing many technical problems with it. He took it back and brought me an old BMW (Dolphin type). This too was okay, until one day the petrol tank was dripping petrol so bad that I could have burnt in the car. He then brought a Toyota Tazz. This one I messed it up myself. I was texting while driving and hit a neighbour's interkom post (I ran like a thug...they never got to know it was me...LOL). In the end, I was even taking taxies to work! Once we sat down and made a note that in one year alone, I had had more than 10 accidents! This whole experience left me with so much technical knowledge about cars, even my male friends call me for technical advice. I can tell you when it's the gaskette or it's top that is problematic. I can tell you when your radiator is finished. I can tell you when your car is mixing oil and water. Don't get me started, ços I can change my own tyre! I can fix a car's timing....LMAO!

4. Problems at work
Then the employer was now starting to become a problem! I had climbed up the corporate ladder. My salary afforded me my Nortthern Jozi cocktails life. But the cookie started crumbling. The company I worked for, that paid so well, suddenly was skipping months when it came to paying salaries. At one stage we had not been paid for 3 months. The monster was slowly creeping out of the hellhole.  The problem solver in felt pressured to make a decision....it was time to leave Johannesburg and go back home. I thought and justified, "It's better to make a decision freely than be pushed to make it". It took me just one evening to decide. The following morning my letter of resignation was ready. I made calls to book a storage for my belongings. Then I called my mother. She was devastated.

5. The first ancestral message
Ten years earlier, I had bought a house in King William's Town. My Aunt lives in that house. A month after I arrived home, we heard that the house had been visited by an alligator (uXamu). The Xhosa people believe that uXamu is a messenger from the Head-Office (KoMkhulu). It is believed that every clan, is related to a clan of River people. The River people are a superior race than the bantu, and as such, they have telepathic powers beyond imagination. So when uXamu visits a homestead, he must be treated with dignity. Who ever comes across this messenger must call elders to witness, the elders must talk to the messenger and say, ''We have seen you. Tell your superiors that we will go to the wise men (gqirha/sangoma) to get the message that they are sending.'' The messenger will duly leave, without any havoc.

However, my poor Aunt is definitely not in touch with Xhosa tradition and culture. Instead, she called the SPCA. The White men came and fetched the alligator, covered him with blankets and left.

No one went to consult with any gqirha/wisemen. A few months later, my White BMW over-turned near Hogsback, carrying 6 passengers. No one died. No injuries either!

6. The Dreams
I have always been known to dream (dreams that culminate into live events) by my family. However, suddenly my dreams were very specific and regular. Explaining the dreams will need a separate posting altogether. The dreams were however very easy to interprete. It was very clear, my ancestors wanted me to accept the calling and become igqirha. You are born with the gift, not into it. In your mother's womb, already you have been chosen. It is not a choice you make. Your ancestors give you time to mature before they force you to accept the calling.

7. The consultations
The first woman we consulted with had these first words to say, "You want me to consult for another igqira?" Woman, you are a gqirha yourself, you know exactly what is wrong with you!" She related how we had a messenger (uXamu) at my house specifically (not family home). She related how my grandfather was a traditional healer but refused to become igqirha (this we knew to be true). She asked me about my specific dreams (she could not have known, they were only in my head). She asked me if I thought it was normal for anyone to just leave their jobs and go home without being fired (she didn't know this, we did not tell her). She told us about the many car accidents, even mentioning the one that had had happened a week earlier. She said all the suffering, financial and otherwise was for me to take a pause and listen to the calling! Somehow, I knew she was right. I still wanted a second opinion there. Of course, the message was the same!

I'm tired now....depending on when next I get inspired to share my story...I will tell you more about the journey I have chosen to embrace with my whole being!

So yes, even amagqirha do drive Germsan cars...LMAO

back in my mother's womb

Somehow, I relate my homecoming to being back in my mother's womb. I'll tell you why.

You see, the experience of finding yourself in a corner where you are faced with a tough decision like leaving the glitzy lifestyle of Jozi behind and heading back home, anyone that says to you that is one of the easiest things to do will be telling you green lies. Personally, I found that arriving at that decision was actualy tougher than deciding to get a divorce.

The decision itself is a rollercoaster ride of emotions: pride, guilt, shame, defeat, helplessness....you get the gist. Having made that decision myself, I went through all kinds of emotions and at times felt that it was never going to get better.

Believe me though, when I say the toughest part is making the decision. Living with the decision is actually the easiest part. In your quest to mantain a positive outlook, you begin to see life differently. Suddenly things that mattered the most just not so long ago (before making the decision) do not matter anymore. The most important person at this moment is you (even if you have children). You suddenly realise that putting other people first is a disservice to your own wellbeing. Without a healthy and content you, your children are robbed of a normal upbringing. No child would enjoy watching their mother going through depression day in and day out. So at this point, priorities are becoming clearer than before.

For me, coming to my mother's house first, before facing the world all on my own again made a positive difference in my life. The first week was spent in bed mostly. My mother made sure that there was no discussion  related to a wayforward and so forth. She spent a lot of time with my children making sure that I was not being disturbed by nosy neighbours and family. Most of all, she made it all look normal. We would drive to town together and laugh about this and that.

The Easter Holiday period also provided another buffer. The arrival of my boyfriend from Cape Town with his much cherished rugby team kept me busy. Seeing him excited about the tournament made me forget a little about my own woes. His laughter is infectious, somehow everyone around us got the impression that we were a very happy couple. Off$ course we were. Laughter is the best medicine during times of uncertainty. Watching the games was a very good distraction.

The best part though was attending Easter sermons at my family church---the church that was build by my very own great grandfather. Feeling the warmth of the parishners made me realise that sometimes we go far to look for happiness, when most of the times we leave that very happiness right behind us when we leaves our homes in pursuit of the worlds' glitzy offerings.

You see, I feel revitalised now. I am happily taking on a new assignment as a freelance writer. There are other positive developments in the pipeline. I'm moving into my new house in a week's time.

Watchin g Generations, Rhythm City, Big Brother is no longer at the top of my to do list everyday. I am so busy sorting my life, I really do not mind missing a whole week of TV viewing!

Did I mention, being in love again, is probably another booster! He is an ordinary man. Dark. Same height as me. Perfect dental formula. Six pack ;-). He is driven by his love for sport development. He prefers Tshisanyama to Spur and the rest. He prefers Savanna to beer. He is as ordinary as they come...and that makes me feel like life is REAL again, after a very long time.

I am in Alice

I did say I was moving back home hey....I am in Alice, my hometown. Like I said in my previous post, iRhawuti made me realise I had overstayed my welcome! I won't dwell---that's not the cow I'm slaughtering today.

Never in my wildest of dreams did I see myself creating a livelihood in this sleepy town. Whilst it is still early days, it does seem like it's almost dawn.

I have been here for just over a month, yet I am already busy with an assignment---but yet again, that's not the cow we a slaughtering today. Did I mention I found the victorian style house (check previous post). I saw a jewel the first time I went to view this house, yet the locals had no interest in it. I could see why. The yard was dismally unkempt. The house itself had a haunted look. But believe me, after a month of repairing and fixing, the house promises to be a lovely home for my family. It has wooden windows that you pull up or down to open and close. It has white wooden ceilings. The rooms have wooden floors---real wood---I really like the sound of footsteps on wooden floors. I cannot wait to move in already!

Life in this town is simpler than the word simple. I still have a picture in my head of the graduation weekend at the University of Fort Hare. Believe me when I say, you could swear the angels of darkness had landed in Alice. Proud graduates were walking up and down the town as if this is a norm. You would come across them at Banks, supermarkets, etc. going on with their business ---IN THEIR GRADUATION REGALIA! The sight of young people wearing black gowns catching taxis humbled me. It reminded me that not everyone is privileged to come from a home that owns a car. But most importantly, these young people had achieved the most useful achievement ever --- Higher Education. The sound of women ullulating, cars beeping horns made me proud to be a part of a community of REAL PEOPLE! Believe me when I say 'Only in Alice'!

I have been laughing since arriving here. What is regarded to be a decent hang-out spot to have drinks, 'KwaMphathi'----you bring your own glass! Need I say more? The cows this side of the country are the most stubborn creatures I know---they own the main roads!

I have discovered a hangout spot for myself about 10kms from my village---Hogsback. There is a variety of pubs on this lovely mountain. It reminds me of Brokeback Mountain! Here, you forget there is Black and White...the White folk you will find at the pubs are only to happy to welcome you to join them----genuinely so!

Only problem----Tamela---my three year old cannot get over the fact that there is a serious lack of White people around here! She's asked me more than once, "Khanya abekho abeLungu la. Why?"....

I'm keeping an open mind---so far so good though!

Let me tell you about iRhawuti

Sometime ago I had a conversation with a collegue who has become a very close friend. We were talking about the demise of the company we work for (well that I used to work for at the time). We were both very distressed since it had been more than a week waiting in vain for our monthly salaries. You can imagine the flow of the conversation considering the broken state (penniless) of the the two sistas having it.

However, the conversation soon changed and there was a lot of laughter from both of us. I guess this is one of the reason we became friends---we laugh so hard when we laugh, you'd be scared to join b'cos you probably wouldn't match the pitch. Anyway, let me tell you why we found ourselves in stitches.

We started talking about how unfriendly Jozi is to people who are broke. A lack of money for two days is likely to drive you insane in this side of the country. You see, the thing is everyone has a similar mindset here --- 'I came here to make money'! The ultimate objective is to go back home to eDikeni/Mqanduli/Libode/Kuruman/ etc. driving the biggest car than your cousin! You think I'm lying? I have lived here long enough to know that this is true!

So if everyone came here to make money, no one has spare cash to help you in your two days of financial distress. And please don't be a hater---don't you know how to budget kanti wena?

If I am going to be Mother Teressa with my hard earned cash kweliRhawuti---how exactly do you expect me to show up at Cubana Lounge/ ZAR/etc? Phela a Phuza Thursday sets you back by at least R300. Yes! An average plate of 6 prince prawns and a green salad will cost me at least R100. Then I will have 3 or 4 Long Island/Daquiri/Gin, whatever it is I will be fancying. These will cost around R40 a glass. And then, you dare not dine/have drinks with me and not tip the waiter---no matter how crappy the service! Voila---R300 gone in one night, and this is going to be four times in a month!

Now tell me, can you really afford to be without moola here? No!

Whilst we were at it, we also agreed that Jozi is also not kind to singles, including boyfriendless girls! Woman, you don't have a man? You are on your own! You will spend 80% of your time with your colleagues if not your house helper! Normal people respect work and do not touch alcohol between Monday and Wednesday! On Thursday, this is the day it is legal and acceptable (not accepted by the law though ---lol) to drink alcohol. But still, you will not see Phindi, Thuli, Kim and Bongi. These girls are in serious relationships and have no time to be galavanting with you stuck up women at bars smoking things coming out of Egyptian looking pipes! Phindi will be bonding with Zweli because Zweli is having a hectic time at work. Thuli will be helping Sazi pack for his business trip to Hong Kong. Kim is helping Dave finish up his Masters Dessertation. Bongi is a born again Christian and her fiance Monwabisi will never approve of the places you ladies hang out at! So guess what? You will be spending time with Nonhle who last had a boyfriend two years ago, she has even stopped updating you guys about her new man because---it is always a new man! Zandi will also join you because she is gatvol with Siya who last month said he is not sure about a future with her. You will be there because you have been divorced for two years now and have been going out religiously to enjoy what the other long time single ladies have been enjoying whilst you were stuck in a rut of a marriage. Besides, everyone tells you---Khanya, you are still young, go out there and find your man!

Friday is Boys' night out, so all the girls that are hitched are staying at home baby-sitting! Saturday---your friends are attending Dora's funeral koKasi or hubby's mom's 60th birthday! Unless you want to be bored and lonely for yet another weekend, you will attend Dora's funeral as well---ohh, did I mention that you have never even met Dora? Yet, you will endure the Saturday morning and its afternoon in your stilletos---painfully so! Your other option is to go peel potatoes and carrots or at least be an usher at Thapelo's mom's 60th birthday!

Hhayi ke Sundays are worse! This is the day of parade for seemingly happy couples! You dress up like your mother's child and dust your bible and hymn book to go to church. As you walk in, you are overwhelemed by the complexity of picking a place to sit! Everywhere you look, people are seated two-by-two! Then you finally spot that guy you've always thought he is kinda cute! You decide to sit at the bench in front of him! Thinking, he must notice me---when you did your quick scan, the ladies sitting on that bench are really nothing to write home about! Come announcements time---you know that time they announce birthdays, new jobs/promotions, anniversaries and angagements? Mr Khalipa announces the engagement of Zethu and Sinazo! You clap like everyone else. Sinazo is a choir member, so she sits at the choir vestry (at all times).  You realise everyone is glancing at the back, you also glance to see this guy that of all women chose Sinazo who has a bad acne and does not have a great dress sense. OMG, Zethu is the guy you fancy! As the congregation takes on hymn number 82, you have suddenly lost the energy to be loud and can't move with the zest you had earlier on!

After church, you drive straight to Woolies Foods, to get some comfort food since you will be having this lunch alone ---again! The sight of lovey dovey couples fighting over which dessert to buy for the Sunday lunch threatens to drive you up the Berlin Wall! Then you resort to buying all the Sunday papers and you go straight to your lovely apartment, sit on the floor and spread the tabloid papers on the floor. By the time you are done, you realise you almost finishd the 500g tub of chocolate mousse---all by yourself!

By 19:00 you drag yourself towards your room. Check the telly for nice programs---nothing! The guy from next door back home calls you to ask for your cousin Lizo's number! You are so happy to be talking to someone. You are going on and on asking the poor guy about the village mgosi! You wonder why he seems cold and astonished! You've never given the guy this much attention, he is confused and wishes he could ask you if you are fine---but he won't dare after you left him at the bus stop last December and never offered him a lift!

Before you realise, it is Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday---the mind your business days!

Let me stop now---I think you get the picture! Don't say I did not warn you about eliRhawuti!