Believe it or not, today I am a hardcore liberal, but at some point in my life I was a Miss Goodie Two Shoes.
I cannot tell you when this trait started nor when it ended, but I realise with grown up eyes now, that damn! I was that kind of child that was a nuisance to the happiness of other children.
As away back as my first grade, I remember being the teachers' pet. My main purpose for going to school then was simply to impress my teachers and shine as the cleverest of the kindergarten lot. Of course, when you are a naturally gifted child, it is very easy to become a show off. Our teachers then were not well equipped to deal with below average pupils. I look back with sympathy now at all the classmates that were treated with contempt simply because they took too long to grasp curricular concepts.
The poor kids would be made to feel their inadequacy in many ways then one. For starters, the seating arrangement was a big give away! The smartest child in the classroom would be seated at the front, right next to the class teacher's table. The dumbest in the classroom would occupy the last seat at the darkest corner of the class. In the different classrooms we would be sent to on different errands, we knew exactly who the dumbest are based on this seating arrangement!
The punishment system was also rather cruel and telling! All those that don't know an answer to a particular question would be required to remain standing for the duration of the lesson! Even school inspectors understood this system and operated at the back of it. When the school inspectors visit the school, the classwork books would be arranged in the same manner....top achievers' books would be at the top! The below average pupils would be warned not to raise their hands in an attempt to answer a question should the inspector ask questions...........Lol....thinking about now, this was cruel!
During our time, I doubt our teachers even knew of conditions and disorders such as Dislexia, Attention Defficiency Disorder (ADD), etc! They teaching approach was uniform to all of us! Looking back now, I cannot help but identify some of my classmates that were probably dislexic or other! Scared to mention names because Facebook has made the connection with friends from as way back as kindergarten possible...tl tl tl!
It is a surprise and albeit some relief that some of them have turned out okay. Others are even more successful in their careers in comparison to us their cleverer counterparts!
This phenomenon even had an effect on our socialisation. Because I was treated with such preference at a young age, I was under pressure to excel at all times! I had to prove a point! I could not be classified with other teenagers who suffered from challenges of the adolescent stage. As a result of this, I am rather a late bloomer. I missed out on a number of experiments that an average teenager would engage in. I never kissed a boy until I was eighteen. I would not dare entretain a boy that wanted to stop me just for a chance to "chat"! I was well known in my neighbourhood for being the most hard headed and yet hot chick! I had a bitter-sweet relationship with boys from neighbourhood. I would only talk to you if you are not going to talk "rubbish". Most of them were friends with me because it was probably nice to be associated with a "hot" girl, but they knew they could not cross the boundary. I was an inspiration to most parents whose children were experimental rather very early on in ther adolescents. Girls my age despised me (even if they never said so...lol) for being the Miss Goodie Two Shoes that I was.
But alas!.....trouble struck as I knocked everyone off their comfy seats when I fell pregnant at the age of eighteen! The first guy I kissed got me into trouble....so much for waiting until I was ready!
The Miss Goodie Two Shoes element is still there though! I'm still that girl that waits for the guy to say "I Love You"....I am very oblivious to today's dating codes. Mina you have to spell the words out, or I don't understand you and as such we will never date until you say the magic words..........
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
Monday, August 5, 2013
When you are forced to confront your own devil
About two weeks ago, I made a decision to take my spirituality to the next level by forcing myself to doing things I have always assumed are difficult.
I have known for a while now that I have a spiritual guide (Isithunywa) that used to pray a lot during their time on earth. This I know from the dreams and visions that I encounter from time to time. Up until a week ago, I had no means of direct communication whith my spiritual guide. The yearning to connect has been there for a long time now.
I knew that the only way to make a connection would be through prayer, however, the umf to kneel down and pray was literally non-existent. I have been a regular churchgoer at the Presbyterian Church of Africa (my longtime family church), where I am even a member of the Mothers' Union (uManyano loMama). The reality is, even at church, my mind would be wailing and wondering. I rarely took note of even the day's scripture reading. I would come alive only when I hear a hymn being sung. My bible always had a place on my bedside table, but the energy to even open it was a scarce occurence. The only time I would be forced to pray was when things were not going well. Even this prayer would not be intense, in many ways then one, it would be just to out of fear (fulfilling a requirement that all Christians must pray in times of trouble). The prayesrs would be without a sequence or frequence, only when I would have remembered.
When I graduated as a traditional healer, my indumba/isigodlo was officially open (1st of June 2013). I would be surprised everytime I received clients who required my audience and the throw of my divination bones. Everytime I had a consultation, I would simply forget that I have iladi (sacred space in the indumba dedicated for prayers), laden with all different kinds of iziwasho. I would rely on my divination bones and herbs. Off course it was easy to do this, because the bones have not disappointed me, not even once!
Then I started having dreams and visions of my spiritual guide. I realised that this caused by the imbalance I am creating when focusing only on the traditional ways of healing and forgeting the spiritual side. With no guidance, I struggled to comprehend what it is that was required of me. Until I made an uninformed decision to be on a fast and engage in deep spiritual prayer for a period of seven days. Don't ask me where I got this idea from, but I prayed about it and embarked on this spiritual 7 day pact without any fear.
I made the decision that my fast would have to be the extreme kind, that which allows no food at all. Today is the 6th day of the fast.I have been drinking only water and only once in a while will have an apple juice for energy. I have been praying over the six days religiously. I have dedicated certain times of the day for my prayers.
I embarked on this journey without any expectations whatsoever. The only thing I am seeking is the Lord's attention. Little did I know that the Lord you seek is within you. The attention you seek is that which your soul seeks from you. The forgiveness you wish for, has to come from you (you have to forgive yourself of your past sins). How can you forgive yourself if you are not faithful to what it is that you wish to be forgiven for? This on it's own forces you to look much deeper into yourself than you usually do. This is a period where I was forced to confront my conscience. Many times we lie to ourselves in the quest to please friends, family, etc. We end believing these lies and forgeting the real truth. We point fingers at people who have caused us pain. During this period, I realised that you are caused pain because you allowed someone to cause you pain. More often then not, the person that has caused you pain has felt a pain caused by you in the very same process. We always believe that our consince is clean even when it is not. During the past six days, I realised the pain I have caused on other people without even acknowledging it. I have cried during my prayers because I tell you, it is not nice to suddenly recognise the devil that lives in you!
Sincere prayer made me realise that the devil is not always wondering and loitering around. Many of us have accommodated him permanently within us! Today I know that the Lord's love and grace is within our reach, because it is embedded in our inner souls...only we have to find the key to access our very own souls!
Tomorrow is the 7th day of the fast. I will take a journey to the wilderness, where I will conclude my prayer session. I have a feeling, for me to access my soul for real, I will have to tell on the devil! I have to sincerely acknowledge my past secret friendship with the devil!
I have known for a while now that I have a spiritual guide (Isithunywa) that used to pray a lot during their time on earth. This I know from the dreams and visions that I encounter from time to time. Up until a week ago, I had no means of direct communication whith my spiritual guide. The yearning to connect has been there for a long time now.
I knew that the only way to make a connection would be through prayer, however, the umf to kneel down and pray was literally non-existent. I have been a regular churchgoer at the Presbyterian Church of Africa (my longtime family church), where I am even a member of the Mothers' Union (uManyano loMama). The reality is, even at church, my mind would be wailing and wondering. I rarely took note of even the day's scripture reading. I would come alive only when I hear a hymn being sung. My bible always had a place on my bedside table, but the energy to even open it was a scarce occurence. The only time I would be forced to pray was when things were not going well. Even this prayer would not be intense, in many ways then one, it would be just to out of fear (fulfilling a requirement that all Christians must pray in times of trouble). The prayesrs would be without a sequence or frequence, only when I would have remembered.
When I graduated as a traditional healer, my indumba/isigodlo was officially open (1st of June 2013). I would be surprised everytime I received clients who required my audience and the throw of my divination bones. Everytime I had a consultation, I would simply forget that I have iladi (sacred space in the indumba dedicated for prayers), laden with all different kinds of iziwasho. I would rely on my divination bones and herbs. Off course it was easy to do this, because the bones have not disappointed me, not even once!
Then I started having dreams and visions of my spiritual guide. I realised that this caused by the imbalance I am creating when focusing only on the traditional ways of healing and forgeting the spiritual side. With no guidance, I struggled to comprehend what it is that was required of me. Until I made an uninformed decision to be on a fast and engage in deep spiritual prayer for a period of seven days. Don't ask me where I got this idea from, but I prayed about it and embarked on this spiritual 7 day pact without any fear.
I made the decision that my fast would have to be the extreme kind, that which allows no food at all. Today is the 6th day of the fast.I have been drinking only water and only once in a while will have an apple juice for energy. I have been praying over the six days religiously. I have dedicated certain times of the day for my prayers.
I embarked on this journey without any expectations whatsoever. The only thing I am seeking is the Lord's attention. Little did I know that the Lord you seek is within you. The attention you seek is that which your soul seeks from you. The forgiveness you wish for, has to come from you (you have to forgive yourself of your past sins). How can you forgive yourself if you are not faithful to what it is that you wish to be forgiven for? This on it's own forces you to look much deeper into yourself than you usually do. This is a period where I was forced to confront my conscience. Many times we lie to ourselves in the quest to please friends, family, etc. We end believing these lies and forgeting the real truth. We point fingers at people who have caused us pain. During this period, I realised that you are caused pain because you allowed someone to cause you pain. More often then not, the person that has caused you pain has felt a pain caused by you in the very same process. We always believe that our consince is clean even when it is not. During the past six days, I realised the pain I have caused on other people without even acknowledging it. I have cried during my prayers because I tell you, it is not nice to suddenly recognise the devil that lives in you!
Sincere prayer made me realise that the devil is not always wondering and loitering around. Many of us have accommodated him permanently within us! Today I know that the Lord's love and grace is within our reach, because it is embedded in our inner souls...only we have to find the key to access our very own souls!
Tomorrow is the 7th day of the fast. I will take a journey to the wilderness, where I will conclude my prayer session. I have a feeling, for me to access my soul for real, I will have to tell on the devil! I have to sincerely acknowledge my past secret friendship with the devil!
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