back in my mother's womb

Somehow, I relate my homecoming to being back in my mother's womb. I'll tell you why.

You see, the experience of finding yourself in a corner where you are faced with a tough decision like leaving the glitzy lifestyle of Jozi behind and heading back home, anyone that says to you that is one of the easiest things to do will be telling you green lies. Personally, I found that arriving at that decision was actualy tougher than deciding to get a divorce.

The decision itself is a rollercoaster ride of emotions: pride, guilt, shame, defeat, helplessness....you get the gist. Having made that decision myself, I went through all kinds of emotions and at times felt that it was never going to get better.

Believe me though, when I say the toughest part is making the decision. Living with the decision is actually the easiest part. In your quest to mantain a positive outlook, you begin to see life differently. Suddenly things that mattered the most just not so long ago (before making the decision) do not matter anymore. The most important person at this moment is you (even if you have children). You suddenly realise that putting other people first is a disservice to your own wellbeing. Without a healthy and content you, your children are robbed of a normal upbringing. No child would enjoy watching their mother going through depression day in and day out. So at this point, priorities are becoming clearer than before.

For me, coming to my mother's house first, before facing the world all on my own again made a positive difference in my life. The first week was spent in bed mostly. My mother made sure that there was no discussion  related to a wayforward and so forth. She spent a lot of time with my children making sure that I was not being disturbed by nosy neighbours and family. Most of all, she made it all look normal. We would drive to town together and laugh about this and that.

The Easter Holiday period also provided another buffer. The arrival of my boyfriend from Cape Town with his much cherished rugby team kept me busy. Seeing him excited about the tournament made me forget a little about my own woes. His laughter is infectious, somehow everyone around us got the impression that we were a very happy couple. Off$ course we were. Laughter is the best medicine during times of uncertainty. Watching the games was a very good distraction.

The best part though was attending Easter sermons at my family church---the church that was build by my very own great grandfather. Feeling the warmth of the parishners made me realise that sometimes we go far to look for happiness, when most of the times we leave that very happiness right behind us when we leaves our homes in pursuit of the worlds' glitzy offerings.

You see, I feel revitalised now. I am happily taking on a new assignment as a freelance writer. There are other positive developments in the pipeline. I'm moving into my new house in a week's time.

Watchin g Generations, Rhythm City, Big Brother is no longer at the top of my to do list everyday. I am so busy sorting my life, I really do not mind missing a whole week of TV viewing!

Did I mention, being in love again, is probably another booster! He is an ordinary man. Dark. Same height as me. Perfect dental formula. Six pack ;-). He is driven by his love for sport development. He prefers Tshisanyama to Spur and the rest. He prefers Savanna to beer. He is as ordinary as they come...and that makes me feel like life is REAL again, after a very long time.

I am in Alice

I did say I was moving back home hey....I am in Alice, my hometown. Like I said in my previous post, iRhawuti made me realise I had overstayed my welcome! I won't dwell---that's not the cow I'm slaughtering today.

Never in my wildest of dreams did I see myself creating a livelihood in this sleepy town. Whilst it is still early days, it does seem like it's almost dawn.

I have been here for just over a month, yet I am already busy with an assignment---but yet again, that's not the cow we a slaughtering today. Did I mention I found the victorian style house (check previous post). I saw a jewel the first time I went to view this house, yet the locals had no interest in it. I could see why. The yard was dismally unkempt. The house itself had a haunted look. But believe me, after a month of repairing and fixing, the house promises to be a lovely home for my family. It has wooden windows that you pull up or down to open and close. It has white wooden ceilings. The rooms have wooden floors---real wood---I really like the sound of footsteps on wooden floors. I cannot wait to move in already!

Life in this town is simpler than the word simple. I still have a picture in my head of the graduation weekend at the University of Fort Hare. Believe me when I say, you could swear the angels of darkness had landed in Alice. Proud graduates were walking up and down the town as if this is a norm. You would come across them at Banks, supermarkets, etc. going on with their business ---IN THEIR GRADUATION REGALIA! The sight of young people wearing black gowns catching taxis humbled me. It reminded me that not everyone is privileged to come from a home that owns a car. But most importantly, these young people had achieved the most useful achievement ever --- Higher Education. The sound of women ullulating, cars beeping horns made me proud to be a part of a community of REAL PEOPLE! Believe me when I say 'Only in Alice'!

I have been laughing since arriving here. What is regarded to be a decent hang-out spot to have drinks, 'KwaMphathi'----you bring your own glass! Need I say more? The cows this side of the country are the most stubborn creatures I know---they own the main roads!

I have discovered a hangout spot for myself about 10kms from my village---Hogsback. There is a variety of pubs on this lovely mountain. It reminds me of Brokeback Mountain! Here, you forget there is Black and White...the White folk you will find at the pubs are only to happy to welcome you to join them----genuinely so!

Only problem----Tamela---my three year old cannot get over the fact that there is a serious lack of White people around here! She's asked me more than once, "Khanya abekho abeLungu la. Why?"....

I'm keeping an open mind---so far so good though!