Sometime ago I had a conversation with a collegue who has become a very close friend. We were talking about the demise of the company we work for (well that I used to work for at the time). We were both very distressed since it had been more than a week waiting in vain for our monthly salaries. You can imagine the flow of the conversation considering the broken state (penniless) of the the two sistas having it.
However, the conversation soon changed and there was a lot of laughter from both of us. I guess this is one of the reason we became friends---we laugh so hard when we laugh, you'd be scared to join b'cos you probably wouldn't match the pitch. Anyway, let me tell you why we found ourselves in stitches.
We started talking about how unfriendly Jozi is to people who are broke. A lack of money for two days is likely to drive you insane in this side of the country. You see, the thing is everyone has a similar mindset here --- 'I came here to make money'! The ultimate objective is to go back home to eDikeni/Mqanduli/Libode/Kuruman/ etc. driving the biggest car than your cousin! You think I'm lying? I have lived here long enough to know that this is true!
So if everyone came here to make money, no one has spare cash to help you in your two days of financial distress. And please don't be a hater---don't you know how to budget kanti wena?
If I am going to be Mother Teressa with my hard earned cash kweliRhawuti---how exactly do you expect me to show up at Cubana Lounge/ ZAR/etc? Phela a Phuza Thursday sets you back by at least R300. Yes! An average plate of 6 prince prawns and a green salad will cost me at least R100. Then I will have 3 or 4 Long Island/Daquiri/Gin, whatever it is I will be fancying. These will cost around R40 a glass. And then, you dare not dine/have drinks with me and not tip the waiter---no matter how crappy the service! Voila---R300 gone in one night, and this is going to be four times in a month!
Now tell me, can you really afford to be without moola here? No!
Whilst we were at it, we also agreed that Jozi is also not kind to singles, including boyfriendless girls! Woman, you don't have a man? You are on your own! You will spend 80% of your time with your colleagues if not your house helper! Normal people respect work and do not touch alcohol between Monday and Wednesday! On Thursday, this is the day it is legal and acceptable (not accepted by the law though ---lol) to drink alcohol. But still, you will not see Phindi, Thuli, Kim and Bongi. These girls are in serious relationships and have no time to be galavanting with you stuck up women at bars smoking things coming out of Egyptian looking pipes! Phindi will be bonding with Zweli because Zweli is having a hectic time at work. Thuli will be helping Sazi pack for his business trip to Hong Kong. Kim is helping Dave finish up his Masters Dessertation. Bongi is a born again Christian and her fiance Monwabisi will never approve of the places you ladies hang out at! So guess what? You will be spending time with Nonhle who last had a boyfriend two years ago, she has even stopped updating you guys about her new man because---it is always a new man! Zandi will also join you because she is gatvol with Siya who last month said he is not sure about a future with her. You will be there because you have been divorced for two years now and have been going out religiously to enjoy what the other long time single ladies have been enjoying whilst you were stuck in a rut of a marriage. Besides, everyone tells you---Khanya, you are still young, go out there and find your man!
Friday is Boys' night out, so all the girls that are hitched are staying at home baby-sitting! Saturday---your friends are attending Dora's funeral koKasi or hubby's mom's 60th birthday! Unless you want to be bored and lonely for yet another weekend, you will attend Dora's funeral as well---ohh, did I mention that you have never even met Dora? Yet, you will endure the Saturday morning and its afternoon in your stilletos---painfully so! Your other option is to go peel potatoes and carrots or at least be an usher at Thapelo's mom's 60th birthday!
Hhayi ke Sundays are worse! This is the day of parade for seemingly happy couples! You dress up like your mother's child and dust your bible and hymn book to go to church. As you walk in, you are overwhelemed by the complexity of picking a place to sit! Everywhere you look, people are seated two-by-two! Then you finally spot that guy you've always thought he is kinda cute! You decide to sit at the bench in front of him! Thinking, he must notice me---when you did your quick scan, the ladies sitting on that bench are really nothing to write home about! Come announcements time---you know that time they announce birthdays, new jobs/promotions, anniversaries and angagements? Mr Khalipa announces the engagement of Zethu and Sinazo! You clap like everyone else. Sinazo is a choir member, so she sits at the choir vestry (at all times). You realise everyone is glancing at the back, you also glance to see this guy that of all women chose Sinazo who has a bad acne and does not have a great dress sense. OMG, Zethu is the guy you fancy! As the congregation takes on hymn number 82, you have suddenly lost the energy to be loud and can't move with the zest you had earlier on!
After church, you drive straight to Woolies Foods, to get some comfort food since you will be having this lunch alone ---again! The sight of lovey dovey couples fighting over which dessert to buy for the Sunday lunch threatens to drive you up the Berlin Wall! Then you resort to buying all the Sunday papers and you go straight to your lovely apartment, sit on the floor and spread the tabloid papers on the floor. By the time you are done, you realise you almost finishd the 500g tub of chocolate mousse---all by yourself!
By 19:00 you drag yourself towards your room. Check the telly for nice programs---nothing! The guy from next door back home calls you to ask for your cousin Lizo's number! You are so happy to be talking to someone. You are going on and on asking the poor guy about the village mgosi! You wonder why he seems cold and astonished! You've never given the guy this much attention, he is confused and wishes he could ask you if you are fine---but he won't dare after you left him at the bus stop last December and never offered him a lift!
Before you realise, it is Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday---the mind your business days!
Let me stop now---I think you get the picture! Don't say I did not warn you about eliRhawuti!
