Whispers in the deep: How do you know when God is calling you to his ministry?

I am sure you can tell from the heading of this post that I'm having difficulty putting things into perspective.

Now most of you that know me very well will have difficulty trying to connect the content of this post to me. Don't worry, you are not alone, I myself am not even sure where I am going with this. So yes, I have decided to share the burden of my provocative thoughts with you as well.

So---you are cordially invited to help me carry the burdern.

Now where do I start? Anywhere, I guess.

I remember a time when I was seven years old. I was enrolled at the local primary school of Gilton Location (proudly called by it's residents ---KwaNomadolo), a village at the foot of the Hogsback Mountain, near the Tyume River, in Alice. I was doing the then Sub B (Grade 2 class).
I had just come back from school and was sitting under my Grandfather's favourite tree with my cousins. The popular practice those days was to gang up children of the same age group to eat together in one dish. For the life of me, I still do not understand the logic to this practice, but I had accepted several possible reasons. Amongst other reasons, I assumed that it was either that the adults didn't want to end up with a lot of dishes to wash, or they were simply teaching us the concept of sharing. Now , that is neither here nor there, so let us revert back to the story I'm telling you.

As we were savouring the daily serving of umphokoqo namasi (dry pap ans sour milk), we were engaged in a discussion with uTamkhulu (Grandfather). Out of this discussion emerged a question: "So what do you children want to become when you grow up?"

I cannot remember how everybody else responded to this question, possibly because I thought their answers were not clever enough, but believe it or not, I clearly remember my own response. "I want to be a priest Tamkhulu," I responded without expecting any further enquiries to my answer. "Why do you want to become a priest? You are top achiever in your class, don't you think you could do something clever with the gift that God has afforded you?" Tamkhulu asked and I did not sense any irritation in his tone of voice. I'm sure you expect me to still remember how I responded, neh! Please give me a break, I may have been a smart kid compared to you, yes you, I was only seven!

The second incident was when I was enrolled for standard seven (grade 9). Actually, between grade 9 and Grade 11, I had a recurring dream that is still as clear today as it was then. In this dream, I live in a country where everything is pure white in colour! The sky is white, the ground is white, I could not make out any other colur except white. I could see myself taking instructions from a man who was so tall you could not see the end of him. One of the instructions, was for me to clean toilets that were so dirty that no one wanted to use them. Well, don't ask me how I could see the dirt when I said everything was white---it's a dream! I took on this task and carried it out with so much ease and the larger than life man was quite pleased with my work.

Being an analytical person by nature, I explored possible meanings to this dream. The only logical conclusion was that 'God was calling me to work for him.' Obviously I was too young to take any of this seriously. As a person who was schooling in a convent school, I had access to people who have dedicated their entire lives to God the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit---you guessed right---the nuns. What? Me? A nun? No, wrong conclusion you have there, I did not even think that God wanted me to join the Sisters of the Cloth, but rather, to join his Ministry as a Clergy.

Well, we all know now that I did not pursue any of that, because here I am today, as ordinary as you are...LoL. Yes, I love my whisky and my red wine. Ohh yes, I have a puffing habit I so desperately need to stop! For a while, I thought these two things are the things I would find it difficult to give up if I were to respond to this call that I seem to be hearing.

What makes me think that I am the one? I think I could offer several reasons:
1) The stories I have related above
2) In ten years of working, I am in my 7th job. I'm not a passionate Economist, maybe it's time I did something else.
3) I have a very rare gift of having people wanting to listen to me (well, most of the times). My opinion is usually respected.
4) I am usually commended for applying a thorough thought process before I offer advice.
5) I share to the point of going into poverty myself.
6) I have lived a turbulent life full of loads of trials and tribulations, but I consider myself a happy person, who accepts life's difficulties as worthy experiences.
7) I am a good story teller----possibly an interesting preacher! Shy is not a word to describe me!

What makes me doubt that I am the one?
1) I do not always follow through with everything I set out to do
2) I like finer things in life
3) I have an enquiring mind, to the point of sometimes wanting to dismiss some of Christianities history.
4) I am not methodical. Whilst I almost always achieve desired results, I do not like sticking to conventional methods of solving problems.
5) I am a procastinator.
6) I can be judgemental at times!
7) I like my whisky and wine, throw in an occasional puff whilst you at it! I'm sure I can have a sip of wine at the church vestry just before I conduct the sermon...LMAO...but seriously, I do sit with my priest and engage in serious discussions over a glass(es) of whisky (he is my cousin shame...is that allowed though...LOL)

So there you have it! You see what I mean when I say you have to help me carry this burden?

But I kid you not, everytime I am at church and there is a preacherman at the pulpit, I always picture myself doing the same! I don't know if I can attach any meaning to that!


Now what do I do?

I'll tell you what I have decided to do!

1) I am going to try and commit myself to attending and getting actively involved at church as often as I can.
2) I have filled out the application forms to UNISA's Theology Faculty.
3) I will not chastise myself....If it works out ....Glory be to God...If it does not...hey I'm still human!

And you?--------------Just let me be---------I'm your friend....aren't I....now easy with the judgement!